- Charlie Harper: Hey, did you know that Mom's birthday was a couple of weeks ago?
- Alan: Yeah. I sent her some flowers and a card.
- Charlie Harper: Ah, man! Would it have killed you to put my name on the card?
- Alan: As a matter of fact, I did put your name on it. I... I wrote, "Love, your sons, Alan and Charlie".
- Charlie Harper: Damn.
- Alan: What?
- Charlie Harper: She tricked me into thinking I forgot!
- Charlie Harper: [sees Alan writing a check] Hmm. Tequila. Checkbook. Sour puss. Must be alimony time!
- Charlie Harper: [Charlie sees the size of Alan's alimony payment] Boy! You'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance!
- Dr. Melnick: [Alan is returning the "The Harpers" welcome mat that he stole the night before] So, you came over unannounced, to apologize for coming over unannounced?
- Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
- Charlie Harper: So, where's Jake?
- Alan: Sleeping at a friend's. He'll get dropped off tomorrow.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, man! I rented a movie I thought he'd like.
- Alan: Oh? What'd you get?
- Charlie Harper: Don't worry. It's educational.
- Alan: [Charlie gives Alan the DVD] "One Million Years B.C."? How... How is this educational?
- Charlie Harper: Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini? What is that, if not history?
- Alan: So, you ever been married?
- Dr. Melnick: My wife passed away.
- Alan: Oh... Oh! I'm... I'm sorry.
- Alan: [pause] No alimony, though. You gotta love that!