- Charlie: You smile and tell everybody what they want to hear, but I *know* what goes on inside your grinning little puppet head!
- Alan: You don't have a *clue* what's going on inside my little puppet head, because to *know* that, you would have to be capable of perceiving a world that exists beyond the tip of your *penis*!
- Jake: [out of the blue] You know, if you guys were queer, we would be what they call an "alternated family".
- Rose: [Rose suggests therapy for Alan and Charlie] Well, I could refer you to the woman I talk to, but she doesn't exist.