- Alan: Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake, and you said, "I understand".
- Charlie: Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't even mean I'm listening to you!
- Charlie: [answers the door] Hey, Judith. Alan's at work.
- Judith Harper: [really upset] I know where Alan is. I came to talk to *you*.
- Charlie: Me? But you don't like me.
- Judith Harper: I don't.
- Charlie: [smiling] I like you.
- Judith Harper: Jake's fourth grade class was given a simple assignment: draw something interesting you see around the house. One child drew a record player, another drew a parrot. My son drew this.
- Judith Harper: [gets a picture out of her purse] A woman's behind with a butterfly tattoo.
- Charlie: [pensively] On the right cheek. I'll have to just act surprised.
- Judith Harper: I asked him where he saw this. He said, "In Uncle Charlie's kitchen."
- Charlie: Well, you gotta admit, it beats the hell out of a parrot!
- Jake Harper: [Jake and Cindy are in the kitchen, Jake is eating cereal and Cindy is doing dishes. She is wearing a T-shirt and no pants] I have my own room at Mom's house, too. But my Dad doesn't. His stuff's in the garage. You know "Vampire Hunter"? 'Cause I just got it.
- Cindy: No, sorry.
- Jake Harper: You gotta chop off their heads or otherwise they'll keep coming at ya.
- Cindy: Do you know where your uncle keeps the paper towels?
- Jake Harper: I think there's some up there.
- [Jake points to the top shelf. As Cindy reaches up to get the paper towels, her t-shirt slides up, revealing her firm buttocks in tight red panties. Jake stares intensely at them]
- Jake Harper: Whoa.