The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Merry Christmas (2004)

Gary Waldhorn: David Horton

Quotes 

• Owen Newitt : Do you wish to say anything else, Chairman, before we take a vote?

  David Horton : Take a vote on what?

  Owen Newitt : On this tax dodge.

  Frank Pickle : All those in favour of the tax dodge?

  [Hugo raises his hand] 

  Frank Pickle : All those against?

  [Everyone else raises their hands except David] 

  David Horton : Look, it is not a tax dodge, it's a legitimate tax avoidance measure.

  Frank Pickle : All those against the legitimate tax avoidance measure?

  [Everyone raises their hands except David and Hugo] 

  Owen Newitt : And all those who think that 'legitimate tax avoidance measure' is just a poncy way of saying 'tax dodge' anyway?

  [Everyone except David raises their hands, including Hugo after some hesitation. David stares at him] 

• [Alice has redecorated David's living room in lurid pink and taken down his George Stubbs painting of a horse. Hugo hands him a glass of whisky to help him recover from the shock] 

  David Horton : Right. Break the news gently. What else has been going on?

  Hugo Horton : Oh, nothing much.

  David Horton : So no more shocks and surprises?

  Hugo Horton : None whatsoever.

  David Horton : Good.

  Alice Horton : Apart from the fact that it turns out our vicar's gay.

  David Horton : I beg your pardon?

  Alice Horton : Yeah, she tried to deny it, but you'd have to be an idiot not to add two and two together and get... erm...

  [Starts counting on her fingers] 

  David Horton : [Exasperated]  Four.

  Alice Horton : [Holding up her fingers]  Four. That's right.

• David Horton : Gentlemen, I've called you here early to deal with a rather important matter. It transpires that our vicar is... well, gay. I know what an old fashioned and traditional village we are, and I think I can guess your reaction.

  Jim Trott : Good old vicar!

  Owen Newitt : Best news I've had since they made having sex with animals legal again.

  Hugo Horton : They haven't.

  Owen Newitt : Really? Oh. That's *not* good.

  David Horton : So... wait a minute. Am I to understand that no one is the slightest bit concerned?

  Jim Trott : No no no no. We've always had lesbians in this village. Mrs Cropley was a lesbian. Before she retired.

  David Horton : Was she?

  Owen Newitt : No, Jim. She was a librarian.

• David Horton : Here she comes. Don't say a word, please - she doesn't know that we know.

  [Geraldine enters] 

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, sorry I'm late. Hope you haven't gone past item 2. There's a couple of arts grants I want to support.

  [Sits down] 

  Geraldine Granger : So where have you got to so far?

  [Notices everyone staring at her] 

  Geraldine Granger : Sorry? Have I interrupted the Parish Council annual mindless staring competition?

  David Horton : Erm... no. Well... we'll go onto item 2 then.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, great. Well, there's a couple of young women in the village who'd like £100 to start a drama club.

  David Horton : Oh, seems fair to me. A lesbian drama club'll be an interesting development. All those in favour?

  [David and the Council all raise their hands] 

  Geraldine Granger : Er... I'm not quite sure they *are* lesbians actually, David.

  David Horton : Oh, aren't they?

  Geraldine Granger : No. Just women.

  David Horton : Oh, right.

  Geraldine Granger : Right.

  Owen Newitt : And they'll do plays about lesbians?

  Geraldine Granger : Well, they might. I-I don't know. Anyway, the other one is the local women's institute. They want to do a charity calendar that I'm very keen to support.

  David Horton : Will all the women be topless or just some of them?

  Geraldine Granger : No, it's... photos of the church.

  David Horton : With the women topless inside of it?

  Owen Newitt : And you taking the photos?

  Geraldine Granger : No, none of the women are going to be topless.

  David Horton : So why do you want to give them a grant?

  Geraldine Granger : OK, I think I smell a theme developing here. Lesbians, topless women... Hugo, has your wife been gossiping at all?

  Hugo Horton : Well, I-I don't know how you could possibly... yes, yes she has.

• Geraldine Granger : I like the idea of the party, so let's give that a big fat 'Yes'.

  Owen Newitt : Well, that's something to be getting on with.

  Hugo Horton : Well, we could have it in our house. Well... *my* house it is now! And father, you could crack open some of that secret collection of fabulously expensive champagne you've been holding back for a special occasion!

  David Horton : Yes, I was keeping it for Alice's funeral but she's looking depressingly healthy!

• David Horton : Geraldine this is the Archbishop of Canterbury, Archbishop, this id Geraldine, our vicar. She's not usually covered in chocolate.

  Archbishop of Canterbury : Merry Christmas, my child.

  Geraldine Granger : Thank you, your grace. Do feel free to lick me if you so desire.

• David Horton : You are the least boring vicar a parish could ever have. Because of you, the church is full, not empty. And because of you, our lives are full, not empty. You have so not wasted your time here.