The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Cartridge Family (1997)

Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson, Selma Bouvier

Quotes 

• Marge : Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?

  Homer : I thought Smithers did it.

  Lisa : That would've made a lot more sense.

• Marge : You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.

  Homer : But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.

• Marge : I've left Homer.

  Selma Bouvier : Thank God.

  Marge : So we need a place to spend the night.

  Selma Bouvier : Try the Sleep-Easy motel. I woke up there once. It seemed nice.

  Marge : Why can't we stay here?

  Selma Bouvier : Aah... we have a gentleman caller.

  TV Repair Man : Hey, this TV's not broken, it's just unplugged. What the?

  Selma Bouvier : Gotta go!

  [Selma shuts the door] 

• Marge : I'm a lucky woman.

  Homer : And I'm a wonderful man.

• Bart Simpson : [after he finds Homer's gun and tries to shoot an apple off Milhouse's head]  And the next marksman is: William Tell, Jr.!

  Milhouse Van Houten : Jinx!

  Marge : [when she comes home; gasps]  Bart!

  Homer : Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.

  Marge : You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun.

  Homer : I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?

  Marge : How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!

  Homer : But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!

  Marge : Mmm... until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids.

  [takes the kids and leaves] 

  Homer : So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine.

  [door slams; Homer turns to Milhouse] 

  Homer : Do you know how to cook dinner?

  Milhouse Van Houten : [excitedly]  Do I?

  [starts looking through a cabinet, rummaging through pots and pans] 

• Marge : [as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier]  Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

  Bart Simpson : Um...

  Homer : Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!

  [points gun to himself] 

  Marge : Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.

  Homer : You said the breakfast table.

  Marge : It's the same table!

  Homer : Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.

  [attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board] 

  Homer : Oh... I guess the safety was on.

  [He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest] 

  Homer : I'd better just put it down.

  [sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes] 

  Lisa : No offence, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

• Marge : Homer, we've got to get out of here!

  Homer : Ooh, but I want to do some rioting.

  [pushes one of the Scotsmen] 

  Willie's Friend : [turns to face Homer, screaming]  Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!

  Homer : All done!

  [runs off] 

• Homer : [to Marge]  Oh, honey, please come home. I need you! It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks!

  Marge : What about the gun?

  Homer : It's gone for good, Marge. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection, if you've got no one to protect?

  Marge : Oh, Homey...

  [she and Homer hug] 

  Marge : Come on, kids, we're going home!

• Marge : How did you know we were being robbed?

  Lenny : The clerk here pressed the silent alarm, and we picked it up on our scanners.

  Lisa : Did anyone stop that robber?

  Moe : No, I don't think so.