M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Mail Call, Again (1975)
Larry Linville: Maj. Frank Burns
Photos
Quotes
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Major Franklin Marion Burns : [Frank calls home after getting a letter from his wife asking for a divorce] Listen, sugar, I just got your letter and honey, sugar, I can't believe it. I just can't, y'know, believe it. Darling, you know that the moment I met you I lost all interest in women.
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Captain B.J. Hunnicut : [while Burns is reading a letter from his wife] Everything okay at home, Frank?
Major Franklin Marion Burns : Uh... fine! Yeah... the... uh... crabgrass is in bloom, the cat had puppies...
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Major Franklin Marion Burns : Is my call through to Indiana yet?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : Not right now sir, I've got another call going through to Ohio.
Major Franklin Marion Burns : Don't give *me* any of your snottiness! I'm not that old dimwit you work for!
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : The Ohio call's mine, Major.
Major Franklin Marion Burns : [laughing nervously] Sir... I... uh... just a little joke with Radar.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : I'd watch that dimwit talk, Burns. Your bulb's been out since I met you.
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Major Franklin Marion Burns : [Talking to his wife on the phone] Houlihan? Well we have a Major Houlihan, but that's laughable! I mean... hah... Major Houlihan's an old war horse!
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Major Franklin Marion Burns : [Talking to his wife on the phone] Attractive? Houlihan? She looks like an army mule with bosoms.
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Major Margaret Houlihan : [Throws a chair at Burns after she listens in on Burns' conversation with his wife] WAR HORSE? ARMY MULE?
Major Franklin Marion Burns : [Surprised] Margaret!
Major Margaret Houlihan : STUFF IT!
Major Franklin Marion Burns : [Chases after Hot Lips] Margaret! Margaret, I had to say all those things. Try to understand!
Major Margaret Houlihan : Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!
Major Franklin Marion Burns : [Grabbing Hot Lips' arm] Margaret, please!
Major Margaret Houlihan : Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!
Major Franklin Marion Burns : [Follows Hot Lips to her tent] Margaret! I had to lie. The stocks and the house are in her name!
[Hot Lips slams tent door in Burns' face]
Major Franklin Marion Burns : [Burns turns on the charm] Uh... Margaret, dear, why don't I bring over my can of Sterno, and we can have some hot totties and you can put on your new nighty.
Major Margaret Houlihan : [Opens tent door and throws nighty in Burns' face] *YOU* put on my new nighty!
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Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : Sir, your home phone is ringing.
Major Franklin Marion Burns : Louise? Louise, can you hear me? Huh? Well, it's me... Frank.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : Frank Burns.
Major Franklin Marion Burns : Frank Burns.