- Bigger Brothers Employee: And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?
- Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
- Homer: Uh... revenge?
- Homer's Brain: That's it. I'm gettin' out of here.
- Homer's Brain: [sound effects]
- [step, step, step, step, step... slam]
- [Bart has joined the Bigger Brother program to spite Homer]
- Tom: Come on, Bart, you know you know better than to talk to strangers.
- Homer Simpson: For your information, I'm his father!
- Tom: [angrily] His father... the drunken gambler?
- Homer Simpson: [pleasantly] That's right. And who might you be?
- Blackjack Dealer: 19.
- Homer: Hit me.
- Blackjack Dealer: 20.
- Homer: Hit me.
- Blackjack Dealer: 21.
- Homer: Hit me.
- Blackjack Dealer: 22.
- Homer: D'oh!
- [Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
- Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
- [Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
- Martin Prince: Hey...
- [falls down on the ground, twitching]
- Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?
- Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.
- Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, I have a horsey.
- [mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]
- Nelson Muntz: Wuss!
- Homer: Bart's not really mad at me.
- Marge Simpson: He called you a bad father.
- Homer: Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good." And to "shake your booty" means to wiggle one's butt. Permit me to demonstrate...
- Krusty the Clown: [on TV] Hello, New York!
- [applause]
- Krusty the Clown: When Lorne asked me to host this show, I said "Lorne, why me?".
- [laughs]
- Krusty the Clown: I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine.
- [silence]
- Krusty the Clown: [trying to liven up the audience] Yeah!
- [the audience stares blankly at Krusty]
- Krusty the Clown: Anyway, we gotta great show for ya. Well, actually, the last half-hour is a real garbage dump. Uh... We'll be right back.
- [intro music plays, followed by a commercial]
- Bart: Dad. Remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac", and when he let you go, you kicked him in the back?
- Homer: [laughs] Yeah?
- Bart: Will you teach me how to do that?
- Homer: Sure boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman, and keep sobbing until he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back.
- [laughs along with Bart]
- Homer: And then when he's lying down on the ground.
- Bart: Yeah?
- Homer: Kick him in the ribs.
- Bart: Yeah?
- Homer: Step on his neck.
- Bart: Yeah?
- Homer: And run like hell.
- [Bart and Homer laugh]
- Kent Brockman: This just in! A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard! Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh... a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, I could use some names... I.P. Freeley. I - GRR!
- Bart: [Trying to aim his thoughts toward Homer] Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart.
- Milhouse Van Houten: [In a trance, picking up Bart's thoughts, but saying Pick Up Bart backwards and writing it on the wall] Trab pu kcip, Trab pu kcip.
- TV Announcer: And now it's time for another episode of The Big Ear Family
- Krusty the Clown: [playing a character with huge ears] Honey, I'm home! Ooh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean 'em.
- Krusty the Clown: [to the audience] Huh? Huh?
- [the audience are silent except for a man coughing]
- Krusty the Clown: Ugh, this goes on for 12 more minutes.
- Lost Your Dad Commercial Voiceover: Lost your dad?
- Kid With No Dad: Ah huh.
- [sadly in front of a grave]
- Lost Your Dad Commercial Voiceover: He's not coming back, is he?
- Kid With No Dad: He might.
- Lost Your Dad Commercial Voiceover: No, he's not.
- Lisa Simpson: [Homer runs out the front door naked] Dad, hide your shame!
- Ned Flanders: Homer, I can see your noodle.
- Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders.
- [about Lisa's addiction to the "Corey Hotline."]
- Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, I know how you feel. When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman...
- [Lisa bursts out laughing]
- Marge Simpson: [annoyed] The point is, I want you to stop making these calls!
- Lisa Simpson: [serious] All right, Mom. I promise you, you will never be billed for another call.
- [giggling uncontrollably]
- Lisa Simpson: Bobby Sherman?
- Marge Simpson: Mmm...
- principal skinner: You should listin to youre motter lisa i own everthing i have to my others watchful eye whats that mother i have a right to be this is school business. no other that sailer suit doesent fit anymore.