- Rimmer: [into the radio] Mayday, mayday.
- [to Lister]
- Rimmer: I wonder why they call it "Mayday".
- Lister: Eh?
- Rimmer: The distress call. I wonder why it's "Mayday". It's only a bank holiday. Why not Shrove Tuesday or Ascension Sunday?
- [into the radio]
- Rimmer: Ascension Sunday, Ascension Sunday. 15th Wednesday after Pentecost, 15th Wednesday after Pentecost.
- Lister: It's French, you doink! "M'aide" - "Help me". "M'aide".
- Rimmer: I'll tell you something. Something I've never told anyone. When I was fifteen, I went to Macedonia on a school trip, to the site of Alexander The Great's palace. And for the first time in my whole life, I felt ... I felt I was home. This place was where I belonged. Years later, I got friendly with a hypnotherapist - Donald - and told him about the Alexander the Great thing, and he said that he'd regress me back through my past lives. I was dubious, but I let him put me under. It turned out my instincts were absolutely correct. I had lived a past life in Macedonia. That palace was my home. Because, believe it or not, Lister, he told me that, in a past incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
- Rimmer: So, c'mon, how did you lose yours?
- Lister: Michelle Fisher, the ninth hole of the Bootle Municipal golf course. Par 4, dobbing to the right, in the bunker behind the green.
- Rimmer: You lost your virginity on a golf course. How'd you have the nerve?
- Lister: It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anything. It was midnight.
- Rimmer: How old were you?
- Lister: She was so good looking. If she wanted, then she could've got a job working behind the perfume counter at Lewis'. That's how gorgeous she was.
- Rimmer: How old were you?
- Lister: She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.
- Rimmer: Skateboard. How old were you?
- Lister: Twelve.
- Rimmer: TWELVE? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
- Lister: Yeah.
- Rimmer: Twelve? You can't have been a full member of the golf club then.
- Rimmer: It's about leadership. That's what I admire.
- Lister: It's ironic when deep down, you're such a basic natural coward.
- Rimmer: Coward?
- Lister: Planet leave, Miranda? That space-bar, the Hacienda? remember that? When that fight started up, Rimmer, you were out of that door quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite.
- Rimmer: That was a bar-room brawl. That was a common pub fight, a shambolic, drunken set-to.
- Lister: Which YOU Started.
- Rimmer: I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour, I merely voiced it.
- Lister: To his face. RIGHT to his face, when he was with his four biggest mates. Then you did your Road Runner act and left me to face the music.
- Lister: [lifting a spoonful of dog food, and pointing back at Rimmer without looking] And you can take that look off your face like I'm doing something disgusting. I'm just trying to stay alive.
- Rimmer: You're going to eat the dog food?
- Lister: Yeah. Yeah! I haven't eaten for six days; I'm going to eat the dog food.
- Rimmer: I'm sure the dog food will be lovely.
- Lister: I mean, this isn't dog food. It's a piece of prime fillet steak in bleu cheese sauce. It's been charcoal-broiled in garlic butter, and it's going to taste delicious. Delicious. Delicious.
- [eats dog food as Rimmer grimaces]
- Lister: Now I can see why dogs lick their testicles. It's to take away the taste of the food!
- Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole - it's main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the color of space, your basic space color - is it's black. So how are you supposed to see them?
- Rimmer: But five of them? How can you be ambushed by five black holes?
- Holly: It's always the way. We've been in deep space for 3 million years and we haven't seen one. Then all of a sudden, five of them come along at once.
- Lister: [wants to burn some books to keep the fire going] "Lolita"? Is it OK if I burn "Lolita"?
- Rimmer: Save page 61.
- [Lister turns to the page in the book]
- Rimmer: [points] That bit.
- Lister: That's disgusting.
- [Lister tears the page out, throws the book into the fire and slips the page into his coat for later]
- [Lister wants to burn the complete works of Shakespeare to stay warm]
- Rimmer: You've gone without food for two days, and you're turning into a barbarian.
- Lister: I'm just burning a book.
- Rimmer: But it's not just a book. It's the only copy of probably greatest work in English literature, probably the only copy left in the entire universe.
- Lister: But have you ever actually read any of it?
- Rimmer: Not all the way through, no. But I can quote some though.
- Lister: Well go on then.
- [Rimmer hunches his shoulders in a bizarre fashion]
- Rimmer: NOW...... that's all I can remember.
- Lister: What's that from then?
- Rimmer: Richard III, you moron. That brilliant now speech he does at the beginning - now something something something something... oh it's brilliant, unforgettable.