The Simpsons (TV Series)

Blood Feud (1991)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson

Quotes 

• Homer : Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy. You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches. Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?

  Bart : Is it a Bible story?

  Homer : Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo. Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.

  Bart : How did a lion get rich?

  Homer : It was the olden days.

  Bart : Oh.

• Bart : [about Homer's insulting letter to Mr Burns]  The last place I saw it...

  Homer : Uh-huh...

  Bart : Was in my hand...

  Homer : Yeah...

  Bart : As-I-was-shoving-it-into-the-mailbox.

  Homer : [shouting]  D'oh!

  [upset] 

  Homer : Why did you *do* that?

  Bart : Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured...

  Homer : I'll show you mad in the morning!

  [starts strangling Bart] 

• Moe : Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.

  Bart : Ah, yeah, hello - is Mike there? Last name: Rotch.

  Moe : Hold on, I'll check.

  [calls to the bar] 

  Moe : Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?

  Everybody in the bar : [snickers] 

  Moe : Listen to me you little puke: One of these days I'm gonna catch you and I'm gonna carve my name in your back with an ice pick!

• Homer : Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.

  Bart : Yeah, Mom. We got hosed!

  Homer : [slams fist on table and shouts]  Bart!

• Homer : Marge, quick, what's my blood type?

  Marge Simpson : A-positive.

  Homer : Aw, nuts!

  Lisa Simpson : You know his blood type? How romantic!

  Marge Simpson : A mother knows everything about her family.

  Lisa Simpson : Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?

  Marge Simpson : 4-B.

  Bart : How many teeth do I have?

  Marge Simpson : Sixteen permanent, eight baby.

  Lisa Simpson : Rings?

  Marge Simpson : I don't want you wearing rings, it looks cheap. But three.

  Homer : How many hairs on my head? Without looking!

  Marge Simpson : Oh, Homie, you have lots of hair.

  Lisa Simpson : Earmuff?

  Marge Simpson : XM.

  Bart : Allergies?

  Marge Simpson : Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.

  Bart : And...?

  Marge Simpson : Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.

  Bart : Ooh, impressive.

• Homer : Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big, scary rock!

  Bart : Hey, man, don't bad mouth the head.

  Marge : Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of the story is that a good deed is its own reward!

  Bart : But we got a reward, the head is cool!

  Marge : Well, then... guess the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded.

  Homer : Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter we wouldn't have gotten anything.

  Marge : Well, ummm... then I guess the moral is: the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

  Lisa : Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

  Homer : Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

  Marge : But it certainly was a memorable few days.

  Homer : Amen to that.

  [the whole family laughs] 

• Bart : They always told me I was gonna destroy the family, but I never really believed it.

  Lisa : That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you.

• Bart : But dont other people have mail in there?