The Simpsons (TV Series)

Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (2000)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Barney, Gil, Ga-Ga

Quotes 

• [Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out] 

  Barney : Beer! That's what I need!

  Barney : Barney, no! Don't!

  Barney : Yes! I need it.

  Homer , Barney : [Barney opens the beer can and starts to drink, but Homer grabs his arm] 

  Homer : No! You've gotta be sober for this. Give me that.

  Homer : [starts chugging the beer]  Ew, it's warm.

  Barney : You can't drink 'em all.

  Homer : Oh, yes, I can.

  [Homer wrestles Barney for the rest of the six-pack and chugs it] 

  Homer : I won't let you give up now, when you worked so hard...

  [slurring] 

  Homer : ...to be the greatest pal in the world. I love you. Let's not lose touch after graduation.

  [passes out] 

  Barney : You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me.

  Homer : Stay away from my wife!

• Barney Gumble : I'm just saying that when we die there's gonna be a planet for the french, a planet for the chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier.

  Lisa : Mr. Gumble, you're upsetting me.

  Barney Gumble : No, I'm not.

• Homer : Barney, the call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

• Homer : Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning.

• Barney Gumble : Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last twenty years.

  Moe : Oh, that's okay, Barn.

  Barney Gumble : No, it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.

  Moe : Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

• Barney : So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.

• Homer : [punching his pillow]  Stupid Barney! Thinks he's too good for me.

  Marge Simpson : Cheer up, Homey. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years.

  Homer : But you've got me. Who have I got?

  Marge Simpson : [sighs]  You still have Lenny and Carl.

  Homer : Aw, Lenny and Carl suck!

  [pleadingly] 

  Homer : Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, because if I ever lost them as friends...

  Marge Simpson : Well, if Barney's that important to you, you've got to work it out. Old friends stick together, like OJ and AC. Or the Falcon and the Snowman.

  Homer : Oh, why can't I have a nickname?

• Moe : [Homer arrives at Moe's]  Hey Homer!

  [as Homer starts to sit down] 

  Moe : Oh no no no, don't sit there

  [wipes off another stool] 

  Moe : take this seat right next to the tap

  Homer : But that's Barney's seat! Are you trying to make me the new Barney?

  Moe : Hey ever bar needs a world class drunk

  Lenny : Yeah someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging

  Homer : Well forget it I am not Barney!

  [let's out a belch just like Barney's signature belch] 

  Moe : [everyone laughs at Homer]  See Homer, it's not so bad, now dance rummy!

  Homer : [sadly]  Oh, okay

  [hums a tunes while dancing in a disappointed manner] 

• Barney : When I think about all the time I wasted at Moe's...

  Homer Simpson : Wasted? But what about our staring contests? And how we always knew what football coaches should have done!

• Barney : I'd like to... sign up for helicopter lessons?

  Pilot : Sorry pal, but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds.

  Barney : I got a coupon!

  Pilot : Okay, get in.

• Barney : [after seeing a videotape of his birthday party]  Oh, I'm a disgrace!

  Homer Simpson : Disgracefully hilarious. You passed out before we could even give you your presents!

• Barney Gumble : Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behaviour over the last twenty years.

  Moe : No, that's okay, Barn.

  Barney Gumble : No it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.

  Moe : Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

• Homer Simpson : barney you got to e sober to fly its not like being behind the whell of a car

• Barney : What do you mean I forgot my birthday? How could I forget...

  [chugs a beer glass] 

  Barney : - my own birthday?

• [Homer is drunk] 

  Lisa : You saved us, dad. You did it.

  Homer : I could do a lot more things if I had some money.

  Lisa : Wha?...

• Homer : [as the Tiki]  Behold, I'm King Talky Tiki!

  Homer : Hey, Flanders, can your god do that?

  Ned Flanders : Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god.

  Homer : [as the Tiki]  Irregardless, I am your god, now!

• Homer : Barney, the call is from heroism. Will you except the charges?

• [Homer saves Bart and Lisa from a forest fire while drunk] 

  Bart Simpson : You did it, Dad!

  Homer : You can't prove I did it!

  Lisa : No, you saved our lives.

  Homer : I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

  Lisa : What?

• Kirk van Houten : [at AA meeting]  Welcome back, Homer. I see you finally hit rock bottom.

  Homer Simpson : Psshh, not a chance. I can sink way lower.