Count Duckula (TV Series)
In Arctic Circles (1989)
Jimmy Hibbert: Von Goosewing, Jives the Penguin Butler
Quotes
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Colonel Willoughby : [Colonel Willoughby is coming through the hall] Jives! Jives, get on parade, on the double!
Jives the Penguin Butler : Oh, dear.
Count Duckula : Oh, what's that?
Colonel Willoughby : That sir, is...
Colonel Willoughby : Fish, you ghastly little bounder, fish!
Jives the Penguin Butler : That is my present employer, returned home unexpectedly.
Colonel Willoughby : Do you hear me, Jives?
Jives the Penguin Butler : Indeed I do, sir.
Colonel Willoughby : Then, where's me dinner, eh? Where's me fish? Ah, you have it there!
[looks at Duckula]
Colonel Willoughby : Dashed funny looking fish, that is!
Count Duckula : Fish? I'm no fish! I'm nobody's dinner, either!
Jives the Penguin Butler : No, sir, this is not your dinner, this is...
Colonel Willoughby : Another of your infernal scrounging distant cousins, eh? So where is me dinner, eh, where's me fish? Never mind your distant cousin, do your horrible idle self and bring me fish, lots of fish on the double!
Colonel Willoughby : Colonel Willoughby, sir, I...
Colonel Willoughby : And tell your distant cousin to distance himself some distance from me igloo!
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Count Duckula : [Jives has told Duckula that he must be paid] And let me remind your penguinship that I haven't any money.
Jives the Penguin Butler : You, you haven't any money?
Count Duckula : Nope, not a cent.
Jives the Penguin Butler : Are you trying to tell me, your bankruptcy
[drops refined accent and shifts to Yorkshire accent]
Jives the Penguin Butler : That me and mates have been flogging ourselves to death here and you ain't got none of the reddy?
Count Duckula : Hey, what happened to Albert Pengworth Jives?
Jives the Penguin Butler : He just died of shock, that's what happened to him! And that ain't nothing compared to what's gonna happen to you if you don't cough up with the lolly!
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Von Goosewing : Okay Igor, you were saying?
Von Goosewing : I was saying, Dr. Von Goosewing, that the master has gone mad. He's cast me out into the cold, cold snow and taken on a younger butler. And that's not all.
Von Goosewing : It's not?
Igor : No. For some reason best known to himself, he has disguised himself as the penguin butler.
Von Goosewing : Ja?
Igor : Ja. I mean, yes. And he has disguised the butler as himself.
Von Goosewing : But-but-but wait a moment, the butler *is* himself.
Igor : No! The butler is now my master because my master is disguised as someone else. Because he is not himself.
Von Goosewing : Heinrich, bring me a headache pill.
Igor : Dr. Von Goosewing, it is perfectly simple! One penguin is now Count Duckula while the other penguins are penguins, except for the one who's a duck!
Von Goosewing : Make that a dozen headache pills, Heinrich! Are you trying to tell me that there is more then one penguin?
Igor : Oh, yes there is certainly more than one penguin, Dr. Von Goosewing.
Von Goosewing : How many more? Tell me.
Igor : Nine.
[sounds like "nein", no in German]
Von Goosewing : If what you say is important, tell me how many more.
Igor : Nine.
Von Goosewing : Rumplestiltskin! Tell me!
Igor : Nine, nine, nine!
Von Goosewing : Ja, ja, ja! Tell me, tell me, TELL ME!
Igor : I have told you how many.
Von Goosewing : Heinrich, just bring the bottle.
Igor : Dr. Von Goosewing, are you quite yourself?
Von Goosewing : Well, I was when I left home. I just hope I'm not turning into a penguin!
Igor : Make that *two* bottles, Heinrich, and be quick! Look, all you have to remember, Goosewing, is to miss the duck and zap the penguin.
