Count Duckula (TV Series)

In Arctic Circles (1989)

David Jason: Count Duckula

Quotes 

• Nanny : [the castle has just made it to the Arctic]  !t's all white!

  Count Duckula : All white? It's weally wemarkable!

• Colonel Willoughby : [Colonel Willoughby is coming through the hall]  Jives! Jives, get on parade, on the double!

  Jives the Penguin Butler : Oh, dear.

  Count Duckula : Oh, what's that?

  Colonel Willoughby : That sir, is...

  Colonel Willoughby : Fish, you ghastly little bounder, fish!

  Jives the Penguin Butler : That is my present employer, returned home unexpectedly.

  Colonel Willoughby : Do you hear me, Jives?

  Jives the Penguin Butler : Indeed I do, sir.

  Colonel Willoughby : Then, where's me dinner, eh? Where's me fish? Ah, you have it there!

  [looks at Duckula] 

  Colonel Willoughby : Dashed funny looking fish, that is!

  Count Duckula : Fish? I'm no fish! I'm nobody's dinner, either!

  Jives the Penguin Butler : No, sir, this is not your dinner, this is...

  Colonel Willoughby : Another of your infernal scrounging distant cousins, eh? So where is me dinner, eh, where's me fish? Never mind your distant cousin, do your horrible idle self and bring me fish, lots of fish on the double!

  Colonel Willoughby : Colonel Willoughby, sir, I...

  Colonel Willoughby : And tell your distant cousin to distance himself some distance from me igloo!

• Count Duckula : [Jives has told Duckula that he must be paid]  And let me remind your penguinship that I haven't any money.

  Jives the Penguin Butler : You, you haven't any money?

  Count Duckula : Nope, not a cent.

  Jives the Penguin Butler : Are you trying to tell me, your bankruptcy

  [drops refined accent and shifts to Yorkshire accent] 

  Jives the Penguin Butler : That me and mates have been flogging ourselves to death here and you ain't got none of the reddy?

  Count Duckula : Hey, what happened to Albert Pengworth Jives?

  Jives the Penguin Butler : He just died of shock, that's what happened to him! And that ain't nothing compared to what's gonna happen to you if you don't cough up with the lolly!

• Igor : What's this about the icebox being broken?

  Nanny : Yes.

  Count Duckula : Yes?

  Nanny : Yes.

  Nanny : It fell off the clothesline.

  Count Duckula : Oh, well, that's all right- it fell off the clothesline?

  Nanny : Well, I likes to keep it clean and it was doing all right in the washing machine!

• Count Duckula : Igor, don't be disgusting.

  Igor : Alas, milord, disgusting is all there is left to be. Without a death a week, life has lost its meaning.

  Count Duckula : Well, if we ever do have a death a week, the first thing I'm going to lose is a butler!

  Igor : I'm sorry, milord, but I do wish you would take your duties seriously now and again.Chew on a chambermaid, sink your teeth into a fainting female!

  Count Duckula : Forget it, Igor, forget it! All I want in this heat is an ice cream.

  Igor : Well, if it beats that something... AAAAARGH!

  Count Duckula : Aaaah! Igor, don't *do* that!

  Igor : You said you wanted a nice scream.

• Count Duckula : Yes, we're going where's there's ice as far as the eyes

  [sounds like "ice"] 

  Count Duckula : can see!

• Count Duckula : Life's just one great big disorganized shambling mess!

  Nanny : Yoo-hoo! Master Duckula!

  Count Duckula : Speaking of which, here she comes now!

• Count Duckula : We're going to explore the Arctic!

  Nanny : Oh, you don't want to go up there, Duckyboos, it's not been dusted for months!

  Count Duckula : No, not the attic, Nanny, the Arctic!