- [Duckula meets two Egyptian priests deep beneath a pyramid]
- Hoomite: I am Hoomite, High Priest of the Sun God Ra! And this is my assistant Yoobee.
- Yoobee: Delighted, I'm sure.
- Hoomite: Who might you be?
- Count Duckula: Yes, I got that.
- Hoomite: No, who might you be?
- Count Duckula: Yes, I know, you said that already.
- Hoomite: So you will not tell me?
- Count Duckula: Well, I hardly need to, do I?
- Hoomite: We shall see about that! Yoobee, you try.
- Yoobee: Oh, very well master. Listen I am Yoobee, right?
- Count Duckula: Wrong. I am. You are.
- Yoobee: Aahhh! There you are Master, he is Yooare.
- Hoomite: So you are Yooare?
- Count Duckula: I am not, I am not.
- Hoomite: See! He is not Yooare, he is Knot!
- Yoobee: You are Yooare!
- Count Duckula: I am not Yooare.
- Yoobee: Don't call me Knot, Yooare. I am not Yooare, I am not Knot. I am Yoobee.
- Count Duckula: Look, let us get this sorted out. I am not Knot, okay? I am not Yooare. Okay? And you are Hoomite. And you are Yoobee. Okay?
- Hoomite, Yoobee: Okay.
- Hoomite: But!
- Count Duckula: Yes?
- Hoomite: Who might you be?
- Ruffles: [spying on Castle Duckula] I like the looks of that there castle. What''s the guidebook say?
- Burt: [opens book] Uh, here we go. "Castle Duckula, home to the traditional vampire barons of Transylvania." Here, guv, vampires!
- Ruffles: Oh, don't be stupid, it just says that to get the tourists in, get on with it!
- Burt: Uh, antique prisoners, already nicked by butler, got a great of assortment of valuable paintings, "beware of the werewolf".
- Ruffles: Werewolf, eh? When's full moon?
- Burt: [looks at watch] Uh, next week, chief.
- Ruffles: Oh, well that's all right, then.So they've got a lot of valuable paintings, have they? It'll be our best job since the Tower of London!
- Count Duckula: [about Nanny's slamming of silverware at people] Last time, you killed three chambermaids and a footman!
- Nanny: Oh, they was only part-time, sir! And the little blond one never dusted the pictures rails!
- Count Duckula: [asking about a pharaoh] Who, Ra?
- Hoomite: And Upshee rises!
- Count Duckula, Hoomite, Yoobee: [singing] Hoorah, and Upshee rises/ Hoorah, and Upshee rises/ Hoorah, and Upshee rises never in the morning!
- Count Duckula: [after a long and winding mix-up of names] I can't stand anymore!
- Yoobee: Of course you can't stand anymore, we've tied you to the sacrificial altar, and it serves you right!
- Count Duckula: The mystic saxophone?
- Igor: What the Archduck was searching for!
- Count Duckula: Well, you never mentioned *that*!
- Igor: I thought I did, milord.
- Count Duckula: No, you did not!
- Ruffles: [the Crow Brothers are eavesdropping outside the window. the first crow Brother asks the second] Here now, did he mention the mystic saxophone?
- Burt: [asks the third] I don't know, did he mention the mystic saxophone?
- Junior: [asks the fourth] I don't know! Eh, did he mention the mystic saxophone?
- 4th Crow: Uh, no.
- Junior: [to second] No.
- Burt: [to first] No.
- Ruffles: [to Igor, who does not realize that he is there] No, you never mentioned it!
- Count Duckula: You see? You never mentioned it!
- Igor: I'm sorry, milord. Milord, it's rather stuffy in here. Excuse me while I open a window.
- [he opens the window, which knocks the Crow Brothers down]
- Count Duckula: [upon hearing the Crow Brothers fall out side the window sill] What was that?
- Igor: Hmm?
- Count Duckula: A series of thuds like falling bodies hitting the floor!
- Igor: Oh, that'll be Nanny making pastry, sir.
- 2nd Camel: [seeing the castle in the desert] That's the strangest looking mirage I've seen all week!
- 1st Camel: Oh, that's not a mirage!
- 2nd Camel: I'll bet you fifty piastres it *is*!
- 1st Camel: You're on!
- 2nd Camel: Right so. Watch this.
- [the second camel runs into the castle hitting his head]
- 2nd Camel: Ooh!
- 1st Camel: There you are. I told you so!
- Igor: [narrating on the Archduck's discovery] On day, while penetrating the depths of the Pharaoh Upshee's tomb, he stumbled upon a great stone altar.
- The Archduck McGanza: [trips over the altar] Ow!
- [chortles]
- The Archduck McGanza: What great, stupid idiot left *this* here?
- Igor: And as he mused upon this marvelous discovery...
- The Archduck McGanza: Marvelous? I nearly broke me bloody foot!
- Igor: ...There entered two strange figures with weird hair, looking like the walking dead!
- [first lines]
- Narrator: On jagged finger of rock, stands Castle Duckula. Known only in the nearby village as... Castle Duckula. It is the *grim* and fearful home of the last in a long line of vampire barons... Count Duckula!
- [laughs evilly]
- Igor: Look, sir, a statue.
- Count Duckula: Oh, it's not me, I don't look at anything like that.
- Igor: I meant, sir, that it is a statue to guard the dead. A statue of the god Anubis.
- Nanny: Master Duckula, close your your eyes!
- Count Duckula: Huh, close my eyes?
- Nanny: I won't have you looking at people with no clothes on!
- Count Duckula: What are you talk - not a "nudist", Nanny, *Anubis*, it's a statue of *Anubis*! Oh, what's the use?
- Ruffles: [they are climbing the walls] Come on, lads, at about fifty-foot, we'll reach the top. Have you got the-
- [he hears Nanny singing off-key]
- Burt: Have I got the what, chief?
- Ruffles: Listen.
- [he hears Nanny singing again]
- Ruffles: Makes your flesh creep, dunnit? Must be the werewolf.
- Nanny: [Nanny is dusting] Now, give it a tickle with me featherduster, and it'll be as right as rain!
- Ruffles: She's ticklin' it wiv' a featherduster! No wonder it's out.
- Nanny: [she sweeps the featherduster outside of the window and unknowingly into Ruffles' face] There!
- Ruffles: [gears up to sneeze] Ahh, ahh...
- Burt: What's ah, chief?
- Ruffles: Ahh...
- Burt: "Ahh" *what*, chief?
- Ruffles: [sneezes] Ah-choo!
- [he lets go of the ledge and the four Crow Brothers plummet down to the ground]