The Simpsons (TV Series)

I Love Lisa (1993)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Marty, Grampa, Barney Gumble, Johnny, Itchy, Krusty the Clown, Sideshow Mel, Homer's Conscience, Rex, Robert Frost, Bill Clinton, Groundskeeper Willie, 'William Henry Harrison', Police Voice, Black Weasel

Quotes 

• [Chief Wiggum pulls over Homer] 

  Homer : Something wrong, Officer?

  Chief Wiggum : Yep, got a taillight out.

  Homer : Where?

  Chief Wiggum : [strikes Homer's taillight with his baton]  Right there.

  Homer : You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops.

  Chief Wiggum : [nervously]  They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?

• [At breakfast, Marge puts a plate with the food spelling out "I Love You" in front of Homer] 

  Marge Simpson : And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.

  Homer : [thinking]  Special day! Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? No, that's crazy talk!

  [Marge's smile fades] 

  Homer : [thinking]  She's getting impatient, take a stab at it!

  Homer : [aloud]  Happy... Valentine's Day!

  Marge Simpson : Oh, thank you, dear.

  [kisses him] 

  Homer : Woo hoo!

• [on the radio] 

  Radio Announcer #1 : Doin' the Monster Mash with ya on this beautiful Valentine's Day.

  Radio Announcer #2 : Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs.

  Radio Announcer #1 : Well, it's kind of a love song. All the monsters enjoying each other's company, dancing, holding their evil in check.

  Radio Announcer #2 : You played the wrong record, didn't you?

  Radio Announcer #1 : Why are you doing this to me?

• Lisa : Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?

  Homer : Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?

• Homer : Apu, you gotta help me! I need a Valentine's gift for my wife!

  Apu : Perhaps this might be appropriate?

  [Apu takes out a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box] 

  Homer : Yes! You saved my life. How much?

  Apu : One hundred dollars.

  Homer : *What*? That's highway robbery, I won't pay it!

  Apu : Oh, I think you will.

  Homer : Forget it, pal!

  [Homer starts to leave the store, Apu hums peacefully] 

  Homer : All right!

  [slaps the money on the counter] 

  Homer : But I'll never shop here again!

  Apu : [thinking]  If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.

  Apu : [aloud]  Nickel off on expired baby food.

  Homer : Sold!

• Milhouse Van Houten : [as Lincoln]  I thought that Civil War would never end. Now to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theater.

  [doors behind him are kicked open] 

  Milhouse Van Houten : Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!

  Bart : [wearing Terminator sunglasses and carrying a Nerf gun; a la Schwarzenegger]  Hasta la vista, Abey.

  [instead of following the historical script, Milhouse leaps on Bart, and they struggle for the gun] 

  Homer : Come on, boy - finish him off!

  Bart : [backstage, the children scream and run as Bart stalks them with his Nerf gun]  You're next, Chester A. Arthur!

  [He opens fire with ping-pong balls, before Ms. Hoover grabs him] 

  Bart : [normal voice]  Unhand me, Yankee!

• Krusty the Clown : Now for my favorite part of the show!

  [tries to read cue cards] 

  Krusty the Clown : What's that say?

  [the cards are moved closer] 

  Krusty the Clown : Talk to the audience? Oh, God, this is always death.

• Homer : Ahhh sweet pity... what would my love life be without it ?

• Krusty the Klown : Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?

  Ralph Wiggum : Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.

  Lisa : [erupting]  Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!

• Krusty the Klown : Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel, whacked out on wowie sauce!

  Sideshow Mel : [drunk]  Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a...

  [beep] 

• [towards the end of the President's Day pageant] 

  Principal Skinner : And now our evening comes to an end...

  Homer : Woo hoo!

  Principal Skinner : ...with a thorough retelling of the life of George Washington.

  Homer : D'oh!

• Groundskeeper Willie : [choked up]  I did not cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I'll cry now.

• [last lines; on the radio] 

  Radio Announcer #2 : Hey, hey! Bill and Marty here wrapping up a beautiful Presidents' Day.

  Radio Announcer #1 : To George and Abe and all the rest, here's a special song just for you.

  [starts playing "Monster Mash"] 

  Radio Announcer #1 : Doggone it!

• Principal Skinner : Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves. We begin with a tribute to our lesser-known Presidents.

  Mediocre Presidents : [group of students singing]  We are the mediocre Presidents. You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents. There's Taylor. There's Tyler. There's Fillmore and there's Hayes. There's William Henry Harrison.

  William Henry Harrison : I died in thirty days!

  Mediocre Presidents : [singing]  We are the adequate, forgettable, occasionally regrettable, caretaker Presidents of the U.S.A.!

• Krusty the Klown : Ah, let's look at some clips...

  [black-and-white segment showing Robert Frost reading "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening."] 

  Robert Frost : "He will not see me stopping here, to watch his woods fill up with snow..."

  Krusty the Klown : Hey, Frosty! You want some snow, man?

  [He pulls a bellrope, and an avalanche of fake snow is dumped on Frost] 

  Robert Frost : [same meter]  We discussed this, and I said "no."

• Marge : What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?

  Marge : Well, honey...

  Homer : Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all.

  [ticking off on his fingers] 

  Homer : "I like you as a friend", "I think we should see other people", "I no speak English"...

  Lisa : I get the idea.

  Homer : "I'm married to the sea", "I don't want to kill you, but I will"...

  Marge : Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy you're flattered, but you're just not ready for this sort of thing.

  Lisa : Thanks, Mom.

  Homer : And if that doesn't work- six simple words: "I'm not gay but I'll learn."

• Lisa : Dad, is it right to take things from people you don't like?

  Homer : Sure, it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?

  Lisa : Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, but my conscience is bothering me.

  Homer : Your conscience? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do.

  Homer's Conscience : Homer, that's a terrible thing to say.

  Homer : Oh, shut up.

  Homer's Conscience : Yes, sir.