- [Franklin goes to see the pilot only to discover it's a penguin]
- Franklin Sherman: A penguin!
- [angrily]
- Franklin Sherman: And he's been drinking! Wait a minute. Penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!
- Margo Sherman: It's a sign! They're alive!
- Orson Welles: Yes. They're alive, but I have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's Fish Sticks. Yes! Oh yes! They're even better when you're dead!
- Orson Welles: Hello. I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a journey into the world of magic, mystery...
- Sherman Family Attorney: Mr. Welles, this is a video will.
- Orson Welles: What? Look, I don't need to do this! I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour!
- [leaves, and then walks back to his chair albeit reluctantly]
- Orson Welles: Oh, what the hell? I need the money.
- Jeremy Hawke: Vlada, there's a black box in my soup.
- Vlada: I will get you a new bowl imediately.
- [yanks a tub his mother is soaking her feet in]
- Vlada: Sorry, Mamma.
- [serves the tub to Jeremy]
- Jeremy Hawke: There's an old lady's stocking in my soup.
- Vlada: She is not so old!... I mean... that's a noodle.
- Humphrey the Hippo: Hey kids, have you kids been smoking like I asked you to?
- Girl: [in Doris' voice] Yeah, I'm up to four packs a day!
- Humphrey the Hippo: Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed...
- [the kids gasp]
- Humphrey the Hippo: ...You get ice cream!
- [the kids cheer]
- Girl: [coughing] Yay!
- Jay Sherman: Well, here's what I think...
- [Jay's interrupted by Duke]
- Duke Phillips: Sorry, son, our research shows people don't care what you think. They just tune in for the funny clips.