The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Springfield Connection (1995)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Snake's Brother, Bystander, Gun-Obsessed Recruit, Hairdresser, Barney Gumble, Hans Moleman, Grampa Simpson

Quotes 

• Homer : Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage?

  Moe Szyslak : The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.

  Homer : Well what do you call it?

  Moe Szyslak : A car hole!

• Homer : When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie "Spaceballs." But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy."

• Homer : But Marge, you being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman. And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

• Homer : Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.

  Snake : Three card monte.

  Homer : Woo hoo! Easy money!

• [Lenny is dealing cards while Homer plays with Marge's radar gun] 

  Homer Simpson : Hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.

  Lenny : Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give ya cancer.

  Homer Simpson : All the more reason for you to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per

  [Lenny slugs Homer] 

  Homer Simpson : Oww!

• Marge : [thinking]  Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law. Dog, no leash. Man, littering. Horse, not wearing diaper. Car parked across three handicap spaces...

  [out loud] 

  Marge : Homer!

  Homer : Hey, Marge. How's my little piglet?

  Marge : Homer, I'm on duty.

  Homer : [chuckles]  That's OK, I'm supposed to be working, too.

  Marge : You have to move your car.

  Homer : I'll just be a second, Marge, I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there.

  [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney all give the thumbs-up] 

  Marge : I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that, but you have to move your car, now.

  Homer : I'll be right back. Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.

  Marge : Oh, that's it! I'm going to write you a ticket.

  Homer : But Marge, we're family!

  Marge : You're breaking the law.

  Homer : I'll make you a deal: you rip up that ticket and I'll give you back your hat.

  [snatches it] 

  Marge : Hey!

  [Homer dances around, wearing her cap. As Marge grabs for it, a crowd assembles to watch] 

  Marge : Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.

  Homer : Ooh, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do, huh? "Ooh, I'm officer Marge, I'm going to arrest you...!"

  [Marge snaps handcuffs on him] 

  Homer : Wha-what? Marge, not here! Hey... you're not really arresting me?

  Marge : [replacing her cap]  You have the right to remain silent.

  Homer : I choose to waive that right.

  [freaks out] 

  Homer : WAAAAAAAGGH! WAAH, WAAAAH!

• Homer : [gasps]  A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everybody!

  [starts to leave. Herman pulls a gun on him] 

  Herman : Not so fast.

  [Homer walks slower] 

  Homer : Okay.

  Herman : Maybe you should just stop altogether.

• [Marge has foiled Herman's counterfeit jeans ring] 

  Chief Wiggum : That's some nice work, Simpson. But I'm afraid we can't hold them. There's no evidence.

  Homer Simpson : Yes there is, there's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.

  Chief Wiggum : They've uh... mysteriously disappeared.

  [All the cops at the crime scene start wearing the counterfeit jeans] 

  Chief Wiggum : Lookin' good boys!

• Homer : I picked up a nudie deck for our game. "The Girls of the Internet." Ooh, I'd go online with them any day!