The Simpsons (TV Series)

A Milhouse Divided (1996)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Grampa, 'Larry Davis Experience' Guy #2

Quotes 

• Kirk Van Houten : I sleep in a racing car. Do you?

  Homer : I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

  Kirk Van Houten : Oh. Yeah.

• Marge : Homer, is this how you pictured married life?

  Homer : Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

• Marge : I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that after a nice meal.

  Homer : Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.

• Homer : [Looks at Kirk's demo tape]  "Can I borrow a feeling"? Ha! It's got your face on it!

  Kirk Van Houten : Go ahead and laugh at me, Homer.

  Homer : I already did.

• Kirk Van Houten : [sighs]  You know why all this happened, don't you? Because I took my marriage for granted. You know in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework.

  Homer : Oh yeah, you got to do that.

  Kirk Van Houten : I could have at least stayed in shape for her.

  Homer : Oh and for yourself.

  Kirk Van Houten : I could have taken just a little time to... to make her feel special.

  Homer : It can't just be sex! It can't!

  Kirk Van Houten : God, I'm so self-centred! No wonder I didn't see it coming! That's how it is though - one day your wife is making you your favourite meal, the next day you're thawin' a hot dog in a gas station sink.

  Homer : Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna' happen to me.

  Kirk Van Houten : Well, how do you know? What makes you guys so special?

  Homer : Cause' Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken - a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.

  Homer : [cut to Homer returning to an empty house]  Marge, I'm home. Where are you? Are you OK? I don't smell dinner.

  [takes a note off the refrigerator door] 

  Homer : "Dear Homer"... aw. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I've left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink".

  [Homer sees them and screams] 

• Homer : You know what you guys need? A little comic called "Love Is". It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.