- Jane Hathaway: [inquiring after Jethro's Oxford credentials] I presume he went to Eton as a boy?
- Jed Clampett: If I know Jethro, he went to eatin' the minute he was born.
- Jane Hathaway: Yes of course. I suppose his father matriculated him?
- Jed Clampett: I kinda think maybe it was his ma.
- Jed Clampett: Jethro, you swear to be tellin' the truth?
- Jethro Bodine: So help me, Jefferson Davis.
- Daisy Moses: You take yer hat off when you speak of the President.
- Jethro Bodine: He ain't President no more.
- Daisy Moses: I'l have no Yankee talk in my kitchen!
- Jethro Bodine: [from the top of the stairs] Hey Uncle Jed, there's a whole 'nother house up here!
- Jed Clampett: Jethro, come down from there. That probably belongs to someone else.
- Jane Hathaway: What kind of a cook are you?
- Daisy Moses: I'm a cook with a stove that don't draw, food that's froze solid, chickens that can't be caught, eggs that can't be broke and a smart-alecky city woman tellin' me my business.
- Jane Hathaway: Mind your tongue little woman I can have your job.
- Daisy Moses: You sure can and the sooner the better.
- Jethro Bodine: And over there is where I seen that great big pink chicken. Only thing is it don't sound like a chicken. It makes a kind of hollerin' noise.
- Jed Clampett: [Jed finds a croquet ball and picks it up to examine it] I reckon you'd make a hollerin' noise too if you was to lay a egg like that.
- Jane Hathaway: What are we cooking for Mr. Clampett?
- Daisy Moses: Well I don't know what you're cookin', but if he wants any vittles from me, somebody better shoot a possum.
- Jane Hathaway: Possum?
- Daisy Moses: You got a better idea?
- Jane Hathaway: But of course, a nice fluffy soufflé.
- Daisy Moses: All right. You shoot it and you skin it.
- Jane Hathaway: Jethro, you can take that pink chicken back out to the cement pond. We're goin' out and shoot us a nice big fluffy soufflé.
- Jed Clampett: As a matter of fact, Jethro won the eatin' championship.
- Jane Hathaway: How marvelous. What was he champion of?
- Jed Clampett: Eatin'.
- Jane Hathaway: I know, but what was it? Cricket?
- Jed Clampett: No, no, it was crawdad. I don't think even Jethro would eat crickets.
- Jed Clampett: Well now, ain't that handy?
- Elly May Clampett: What's that, Pa?
- Jed Clampett: The way the road takes a bend in here and runs right by the front door.
- Milburn Drysdale: No, Mr. Clampett, this is your driveway.
- Daisy Moses: Hey Jed, this here is dandy soil.
- Jed Clampett: Fine Granny, we'll commence to plowin' tomorrow.
- Milburn Drysdale: But this is Beverly Hills.
- Jed Clampett: Dirt is dirt.