- Miss Gretchen Wilomena Kraus: I just can't wait till Arnold und I get married.
- Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: Marriage is a wonderful institution.
- Benson DuBois: If anyone belongs in a institution it is Kraus.
- Miss Gretchen Wilomena Kraus: [a hunter just shot a duck as the wedding ceremony came to an end] That was some wedding. I'll never forget it.
- Benson DuBois: Neither will the duck.
- Benson DuBois: [Pete's car won't start because it is out of gas] You put $2 worth of gas into this heap and then drove us 40 miles into nowhere?
- Peter 'Pete' John Downey: Don't yell at me! I didn't hear you suggesting we stop along the way and pick up gas.
- Benson DuBois: Well, I didn't know being best man made me part of the pit crew.
- Katherine 'Katie' Olivia Gatling: [Pete and Katie come running into the kitchen] Guess what! Guess what! Guess what!
- Peter 'Pete' John Downey: We're getting married! We're getting married!
- Benson DuBois: What?
- Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: Over my dead body
- Denise Florence Stevens Downey: [Denise comes running into kitchen] Pete and I are getting married! Whoo-hoo!
- Miss Gretchen Wilomena Kraus: I'm so happy for you.
- Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: [Governor turns to Katie] You're not getting married?
- Katherine 'Katie' Olivia Gatling: Me? I'm still in junior high. I can't even drive yet.
- Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: Oh, yeah, right.
- Benson DuBois: Well, congratulations, Denise.
- Benson DuBois: Pete, I thought you were dead set against marriage.
- Peter 'Pete' John Downey: Oh, no, Benson, I really want this. I'm getting tired of going home every night to a hot plate and a 9-inch black and white TV.
- Benson DuBois: You don't need a wife. You need a tupperware party.
- The Judge: [the Judge arrives] Howdy, folks. Downey, I'm sorry but one of my pigs got sick, and I had to wait till the vet arrived. Who's this gentleman?
- Peter 'Pete' John Downey: My best man.
- Benson DuBois: Benson Dubois. How do you do?
- The Judge: Dubois? Dubois? Are you any kin to Carl Dubois?
- Benson DuBois: No, I'm afraid not. He from around here?
- The Judge: No, no, he's from Laramie, Wyoming. A petty crook.
- Benson DuBois: Uh-huh.
- The Judge: He used to ride with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
- Benson DuBois: Really?
- The Judge: Yeah, my grandfather bit off his nose in a barroom fight.
- Benson DuBois: Oh, that Carl Dubois. Sure, I know him. I believe he started the 'Hole in the face' gang.
- Peter 'Pete' John Downey: You want to know the difference between men and women, Benson?
- Benson DuBois: Up till now, I thought they threw a ball differently.
- Benson DuBois: [about the wedding which will take place in a forrest] When is it?
- Peter 'Pete' John Downey: Saturday.
- Benson DuBois: This Saturday?
- Peter 'Pete' John Downey: Yes. We have to do it before hunting season starts.
- Benson DuBois: Oh, yeah, you don't want to spend your honeymoon tied to a fender of a pickup truck.
- Clayton Runnymede Endicott III: [the wedding reception has begun but the bride and groom still haven't arrived] Did you talk to the fat slob in Hawaiian shirt?
- Katherine 'Katie' Olivia Gatling: Talk to him? I danced the polka with him. He should be a ride at Disney land.