Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite (2006)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rose : Hello, Alan.

  Alan Harper : Rose.

  [Rose exits via the front door. Charlie and Alan stare at the door, bewildered] 

  Charlie Harper : She used the front door?

  Alan Harper : Uh-huh.

  Charlie Harper : She never uses the front door.

  Alan Harper : Uh-uh.

  [turns to Charlie] 

  Alan Harper : What happened out there?

  Charlie Harper : Nothing. I just told her Mia and I were getting married and I could actually see her medication *stop* working!

• Mia : She wanted to give me a shower!

  Charlie Harper : An engagement shower?

  Mia : An actual *soap and water* shower! I don't want her coming to the wedding!

  Charlie Harper : I don't want her in the same *zip code*!

• Alan Harper : [regarding Rose]  What do you think she's going to do?

  Charlie Harper : It's not a question of what, it's a question of when. And how am I going to enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles superglued to my asscrack?

• Charlie Harper : [after he's told Rose he's marrying Mia]  I was afraid this would come as a big shock.

  Rose : Afraid? You have nothing to fear, Charlie. I'm your friend.

  [smiles at Charlie] 

• Charlie Harper : [Charlie's family and Mia's family have just had dinner together]  Your family hated me, didn't they?

  Mia : Well... not *just* you.

• Charlie Harper : I know things didn't end well with you and Judith. But, overall, did you like being married?

  Alan Harper : Oh, I *loved* being married!

  Charlie Harper : You never missed having sex with other women?

  Alan Harper : Sure. But I missed that before I got married, too!

• Alan Harper : Don't set the bar too high for the wedding night.

  Charlie Harper : What are you talking about?

  Alan Harper : It's a long, stressful day. You'll be exhausted, full of banquet food and cheap champagne. Take my advice: tell her you love her, give her a big kiss, and try to fall asleep with your ass pointed toward an open window!

• Charlie Harper : You don't think Mia is going to turn into her mother, do you?

  Alan Harper : I wouldn't worry about it. What I *would* worry about is you turning her into *our* mother!

• Mia : We may as well just go to Vegas and elope.

  Charlie Harper : Now there's an interesting concept. In Vegas, not only can we get married immediately, we can get drunk and gamble away our nest egg!

  Mia : Don't forget the lap dances and hookers!

  Charlie Harper : Oh, you're gonna make a great wife!

• Charlie Harper : [about to get married in Vegas]  I just wanna get this over with!

  Alan Harper : Get this over with? That's the attitude you take to a proctologist, not a marriage!

• Charlie Harper : [Seeing Mia arrive for their wedding]  I was afraid you were going to chicken out.

  Kandi : That's funny, she said the same thing about *you*!

• Mia : I wanna talk to you about our honeymoon.

  Charlie Harper : I'll take you anywhere you want to go. Frankly, I'd pick a place with a nice ceiling because we're just going to take turns looking at it!

• Mia : [after Charlie refuses to kick out Alan and Jake]  C'mon, Charlie! We need our privacy!

  Charlie Harper : But they're my family. I can't just kick them out!

  Mia : You could've said something before *now*!

  Charlie Harper : Who knew your idea of marriage was you and me alone in a house?

• Mia : My dad called today. He wants to take your family out for a nice dinner.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah? Well, tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!

  Mia : C'mon, Charlie. They're going to have to meet sooner or later.

  Charlie Harper : Okay. But why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?

  Mia : What's happier than a wedding?

  Charlie Harper : My mother's funeral springs to mind. There'll be music, dancing, my mom will be in a box!