- Bobut: Do not go! I am afraid of the dark.
- Doug Brody: I'll leave the door open for you.
- Bobut: I mean the dark of the cosmos, the vast empty abyss, the yawning chasm of eternity.
- Doug Brody: Maybe we'll get you a little night light.
- Sally Hagen: What I'm trying to say is I think there's a problem with Bobut. He acts like he's the center of the universe.
- Cookie Brody: Well, Sally... he is.
- TV Announcer: The giant frog was subdued by the National Guard and will be taken to EuroDisney.
- Cookie Brody: And we have to be at the high school by 7. Heather's in that synchronized swimming version of Oliver Stone's Nixon.
- Doug Brody: Oh, she's gonna be a great Haldeman!
- Cookie Brody: Sure, being a recombinant DNA scientist was glamorous, but there I was, cloning the cerebral cortex of the Vice Kragna of Eudipita, and then I got a call from the babysitter. I'd missed my daughter's first loose ear!
- Heather Brody: What kind of a name is Spit?
- Cookie Brody: It's an old family name. He was named after my Grandpa Spit.
- Spit: It happens to mean 'handsome warrior.' Do you know what your name means on my planet, Heather? Or should I say, 'Gum Disease?'
- Doug Brody: I still feel bad, moving the kids to a whole new planet and making them share a bathroom.
- Doug Brody: Cookie, our problems are solved! I got a promotion, a new office, and a big raise!
- Spit: Cool, dad! Kudos on your improbable rise.
- [Sally makes pudding]
- Bobut: Faster, Sally, faster! Faster, Sally, faster! Faster, Sally, faster! Faster, Sally, faster!
- Sally Hagen: I need to hear "please."
- Bobut: Irrelevant to the task at hand. Stir!
- Snizzy: Some societies believe that bringing the dead back to life should be strictly the province of deities, but I say, kids can have fun with it too!
- Doug Brody: There's a spot for us at the Sherwood Hills Country Club.
- Heather Brody: Tiffany Kendall's family belongs! I could be friends with her! I can be one of the cool kids! I'll have nothing to worry about for the rest of my life!
- Spit: Except for that meteor that's gonna collide with earth in 20 years.
- Heather Brody: Since Dad joined the country club, I moved up the food chain from ridiculed non-entity to tolerated acquaintance.
- Tiffany Kendall: I broke up with Chad.
- Heather Brody: Really? How'd he take it?
- Tiffany Kendall: Not well. But on the bright side, I've broken up with 5 other guys this semester, and they formed a support group.
- Doug Brody: I've gotta get up tomorrow morning early and sell microchips to Polynesia. Or is it potato chips to Micronesia?
- Cookie Brody: Bobut is the High Supreme Trotenakay Paklatay. He'll grow up to be Emperor of the Nertron Galactic Federation, with power over the planets, the moons, and all living things.
- Doug Brody: You know, when my kids start recombining the DNA of a frog and mutating it into a giant monster who lays waste to our town, that means I've been spending too much time at the office.
- Tiffany Kendall: Hey, blue boy! I sure could use some maple syrup.
- Spit Brody: I suggest you drill a hole in a tree and suck it out.
- Heather Brody: Alright, what do you want?
- Spit Brody: Well, you know that car Dad's gonna get you when you turn 16?
- Heather Brody: Yeah.
- Spit Brody: I'd like to eat it.
- Doug Brody: Tomorrow morning, I want you to release the boss from your mind control. And once he comes to his senses, I'm sure he'll demote me.
- Doug Brody: We don't need a bigger house! We just need to get along together and love each other like a real family...
- Bobut: Stop this tedious moralizing.