- Charlie Harper: [Trying to seduce Alan like he would a woman, so that Alan would agree to have dinner] So, where do you wanna go, baby?
- Alan Harper: That's, uh, that's very funny.
- Charlie Harper: No, no, no! Let's get something hot in you and then get something *hot* in you!
- Alan Harper: Knock it off!
- Charlie Harper: Gee, you smell good!
- Alan Harper: You know what? Okay, Okay. I'll just stay here and have a popsicle.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, you'll be getting the popsicle!
- Alan Harper: Fine! Fine! You pick the restaurant.
- Alan Harper: I don't have money for luxuries like eating out. Or eating in, really. I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud.
- Charlie Harper: It's all right. I'll treat.
- Alan Harper: No, no, no! You've done too much for me already.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, but it's not like I'm keeping a tab. $26,382... to date.
- Charlie Harper: How do you keep getting in? I've changed the locks three times!
- Rose: Yes, but you didn't change the locksmith.
- Alan Harper: Parenthood is like skydiving. You just gotta jump out of the old plane.
- Charlie Harper: And get sucked into the old propeller!
- Alan Harper: A propeller of love!
- Charlie Harper: Hey. After the kid goes back to his mother's, do you wanna go out and grab some dinner?
- Alan Harper: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
- Charlie Harper: Why not? You got a date?... He said, knowing the answer, but asked him anyway, just to be polite.
- Alan Harper: No, I don't have a date... He replied, all the while thinking: "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon".
- Judith Harper: [to Jake] Hey, honey. Would you, uh, wait in the car, please?
- Jake Harper: Who's in trouble? Me or Dad?
- Judith Harper: No one's in trouble.
- Jake Harper: [to Alan] It's you.
- Alan Harper: Judith, if you're gonna chew my ass off, just know I'm planning on having it for breakfast tomorrow.
- [Alan finds out Judith is getting married, meaning he won't have to pay any alimony]
- Charlie Harper: Five, six, seven, eight...
- Alan Harper: [sings] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!
- Alan Harper: Do you know the problem with sushi?
- Charlie Harper: Besides eating it with you?
- Alan Harper: It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.
- Charlie Harper: Hey, Al?
- Alan Harper: What?
- Charlie Harper: I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.
- Charlie Harper: So, what? You waltz in and make yourself at home whenever I'm out?
- Rose: That's not true. Sometimes you're upstairs asleep.
- Alan Harper: [after learning Jake has run away from his mother's] Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
- Jake Harper: It has nothing to do with puberty, Dad. It's about Mom getting married.
- Alan Harper: I thought you liked Dr Melnick.
- Jake Harper: That was when they were just dating. Now, he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father!
- Alan Harper: You don't do what *I* tell you to do!
- Jake Harper: Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that!
- Charlie Harper: So, what's your plan? Where are you headed?
- Jake Harper: I'm gonna stay here.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, you can't stay here!
- Jake Harper: Why not?
- Charlie Harper: Because you're running *away*. "Away", according to the dictionary, means "not here". It's usually preceded by the words, "Far, far". Or in your case, "Go".
- Jake Harper: Oh, come on. Why can't I live with you guys?
- Charlie Harper: Oh, Jake. Do you have any idea how much I have to clean up my act when you're here on weekends?
- Jake Harper: What are you talking about? I see you drink, gamble, you have strange girls sleep over.
- Charlie Harper: Uh-huh. Drop in unannounced on a Wednesday and you'll be scarred for life.
- Charlie Harper: Don't be mean to your mother!
- Jake Harper: You're mean to your mother!
- Charlie Harper: My mother can take it!
- Jake Harper: [about Judith] She can be happy all she wants. I just don't need some jerk pretending he's my dad.
- Alan Harper: Oh, why not?
- Jake Harper: 'Cause I already have a dad!
- Charlie Harper: ...and he's already a jerk!
- Alan Harper: [to Jake] All right, buddy. I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy. But, I think it's something you're old enough to understand.
- [pause]
- Alan Harper: You can do better than me.
- Charlie Harper: *Way* better!
- Charlie Harper: [about Jake] He's not too bright, so you can lie to him all you want.
- Alan Harper: Charlie?
- Charlie Harper: Oh, come on! Until he was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!
- Alan Harper: Have you guys considered eloping to Vegas?
- Dr. Herb Melnick: No, we haven't...
- Alan Harper: Now, I know what you're thinking... tacky, tacky. But, actually, it isn't. It's classy and very romantic.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah. Some of the hotels have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.
- Dr. Herb Melnick: The thing is, I'm... I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a stepfather.
- Alan Harper: Oh. Oh, sure you are! You'll be terrific! Right, Charlie?
- Charlie Harper: Trust us. As long as there's food in the fridge and money in your wallet, you'll own the little peckerhead.
- Alan Harper: [to Dr Melnick] Jake's used to being an only child.
- Charlie Harper: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.
- Alan Harper: I would like to propose a toast. To Jake!
- Dr. Herb Melnick: [Drunk] Ah, Jake's great!
- Alan Harper: And to Judith!
- Dr. Herb Melnick: [Drunk] Absolutely! Judith's great, too!
- Alan Harper: And to your upcoming marriage!
- Dr. Herb Melnick: [pause] Ah, sure. What the hell?
- Alan Harper: [talking to Judith on Herb's phone] What? I'm, uh, uh, uh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you! Yeah! Uh, uh, uh, I think this phone is unning out of atteries!... I ed, his hone is unning out of atteries! Oodbye, Udith!
- [to Charlie]
- Alan Harper: Think she bought it?
- Charlie Harper: If she did, she's oopider than ooh.