Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Walnuts and Demerol (2006)
Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper
Quotes
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[first lines]
Charlie Harper : [singing] Joy to the world, I'm getting laid / I'm getting laid tonight / We'll light the Yule log, deck the halls / And then we'll play some jingle balls / It's been a long, long wait / It's just our second date / It's Christmas eve, and I'm getting laid.
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Rose : [appears] Charlie!
Charlie Harper : Rose?
Rose : How could you have a party and not invite me?
Charlie Harper : It's not a party!
Rose : Then, what do you call this?
Charlie Harper : The beginning of a news story that ends with, "... And then he turned the gun on himself!"
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Charlie Harper : You're leaving, too, right?
Alan Harper : Yes, relax. I plan on spending Christmas Eve at a movie theater all by myself, just so you can have sex tonight.
Charlie Harper : You could have sex, too. Just pick the right movie theater.
[the doorbell rings]
Charlie Harper : Jake, time to go!
Charlie Harper : [to Alan] Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes.
Alan Harper : [sarcastic] Ho! Ho! Ho!
Charlie Harper : That's another option.
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Gloria : I am so horny right now, I can't believe it!
Charlie Harper : Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Did you miss what just went down, *sis*?
Gloria : Oh, come on! It's not like we're gonna get married and have a bunch of web-footed kids!
Charlie Harper : You really have no boundaries, do you?
Gloria : Well... I don't do fat guys.
Charlie Harper : Interesting.
[gets out of bed]
Charlie Harper : Turns out, I draw the line at incest.
Gloria : So, you'd do a fat guy?
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Evelyn : Do you trust me?
Alan Harper , Berta , Charlie Harper , Rose : No!
Evelyn : Okay, but you know I have your best interest at heart. Don't you?
Alan Harper , Berta , Charlie Harper , Rose : NO!
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Berta : [brings in eggnog] Here we go, more fuel for the fire.
Charlie Harper : You said you were going home!
Berta : Well, that was before I knew you were having a party.
Charlie Harper : This isn't a party! It's just a bunch of people I don't like, standing around, drinking my booze... Oh, crap! It *is* a party.
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Charlie Harper : [singing] Four call girls / Three French maids / Two drunk twins / And a lap dance in a pear tree.
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[Charlie's version of "Excelsis Deo"]
Charlie Harper : Gloooooria, tonight I'm boinking Gloria!
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Charlie Harper : This is kind of exciting.
[unwraps his gift]
Charlie Harper : Fart In A Can?
Jake Harper : You don't have one, do you?
Charlie Harper : Well, I've got you. But, this is good for travel.
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Berta : Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog! You want this broad lit up, or just slightly glowing?
Charlie Harper : Well, let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goodwill towards all mankind. So, let's get her plowed!
Berta : Hallelujah!
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Jake Harper : Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
Charlie Harper : That's a life lesson, Jake.
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Charlie Harper : [to Evelyn] What could you possibly tell me about that would put me off? She's married? She's insane? She's a man?...
[to Gloria]
Charlie Harper : You're not a man, are you?
Gloria : No.
Charlie Harper : Then, we're good!
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Evelyn : I forbid you to see this woman anymore.
Charlie Harper : You forbid? What gives you the right to forbid? I'm 39 years old!
Evelyn : I'm your mother, you are 40, and you must not see this woman anymore!
Charlie Harper : Mom, you know that just makes me want her more.
Evelyn : Charlie, I mean it!
Charlie Harper : I'm getting hotter...
Evelyn : Look, I know certain things about Gloria's past which are... well... unsavory.
Charlie Harper : Okay, I'm going supernova!
Evelyn : Will you listen to me? If you continue to see this woman, it will hurt me deeply!
Charlie Harper : [to Alan] I may have to marry this girl!