- [first lines]
- Charlie Harper: [singing] Joy to the world, I'm getting laid / I'm getting laid tonight / We'll light the Yule log, deck the halls / And then we'll play some jingle balls / It's been a long, long wait / It's just our second date / It's Christmas eve, and I'm getting laid.
- Judith: Make this stop!
- Alan Harper: I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.
- Judith: Don't screw with me! Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancee!
- Alan Harper: That's funny. The way I see it, your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.
- Judith: Damn it, Alan! I can make your life a living hell!
- Alan Harper: How would I know the difference?
- Alan Harper: Judith, you want your man, you fight for him!
- Judith: [points at Kandi] How can I compete with *that*?
- Alan Harper: There's no competition! Herb loves you! You're in a mature, sophisticated relationship based on mutual respect! All Kandi has is...
- [watches Herb stare at Kandi]
- Alan Harper: There'll be other men.
- Alan Harper: Kandi? What are you doing here?
- Kandi: I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve and I didn't know where else to go.
- Alan Harper: Where's your new boyfriend?
- Kandi: He decided to spend Christmas with his family.
- Alan Harper: Why didn't he bring you along?
- Kandi: He thought it might make his wife uncomfortable.
- Rose: [appears] Charlie!
- Charlie Harper: Rose?
- Rose: How could you have a party and not invite me?
- Charlie Harper: It's not a party!
- Rose: Then, what do you call this?
- Charlie Harper: The beginning of a news story that ends with, "... And then he turned the gun on himself!"
- Charlie Harper: You're leaving, too, right?
- Alan Harper: Yes, relax. I plan on spending Christmas Eve at a movie theater all by myself, just so you can have sex tonight.
- Charlie Harper: You could have sex, too. Just pick the right movie theater.
- [the doorbell rings]
- Charlie Harper: Jake, time to go!
- Charlie Harper: [to Alan] Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes.
- Alan Harper: [sarcastic] Ho! Ho! Ho!
- Charlie Harper: That's another option.
- [Alan opens Jake's room]
- Judith, Herb: [offscreen] WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
- Alan Harper: Judith, what the hell are you doing?
- Judith: You told me to fight for my man, I'm fighting for my man!
- Herb: Alan, would you please close the door?
- [Alan complies]
- Alan Harper: Twelve years of marriage, she never fought for *me* from that angle...
- Gloria: I am so horny right now, I can't believe it!
- Charlie Harper: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Did you miss what just went down, *sis*?
- Gloria: Oh, come on! It's not like we're gonna get married and have a bunch of web-footed kids!
- Charlie Harper: You really have no boundaries, do you?
- Gloria: Well... I don't do fat guys.
- Charlie Harper: Interesting.
- [gets out of bed]
- Charlie Harper: Turns out, I draw the line at incest.
- Gloria: So, you'd do a fat guy?
- [last lines]
- Alan Harper: [in bed with Dorothy] Okay, just so we're clear: you're only doing this to piss off my mom?
- Dorothy: Is that a problem?
- Alan Harper: Nah, it makes it better!
- Evelyn: Do you trust me?
- Alan Harper, Berta, Charlie Harper, Rose: No!
- Evelyn: Okay, but you know I have your best interest at heart. Don't you?
- Alan Harper, Berta, Charlie Harper, Rose: NO!
- Berta: [brings in eggnog] Here we go, more fuel for the fire.
- Charlie Harper: You said you were going home!
- Berta: Well, that was before I knew you were having a party.
- Charlie Harper: This isn't a party! It's just a bunch of people I don't like, standing around, drinking my booze... Oh, crap! It *is* a party.
- Charlie Harper: [singing] Four call girls / Three French maids / Two drunk twins / And a lap dance in a pear tree.
- Herb: Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
- Judith: That's why I need eggnog.
- Herb: Hey! I spent Thanksgiving with *your* parents!
- Alan Harper: Oh, really? Your mom's out of rehab?
- Judith: Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
- Herb: Actually, she kind of jumped the fence.
- Alan Harper: Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law. You might as well get used to it. Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
- [Judith glares at Alan]
- Alan Harper: On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.
- Jake Harper: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house / Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
- [pukes in Herb's car]
- Charlie Harper: This is kind of exciting.
- [unwraps his gift]
- Charlie Harper: Fart In A Can?
- Jake Harper: You don't have one, do you?
- Charlie Harper: Well, I've got you. But, this is good for travel.
- Berta: Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog! You want this broad lit up, or just slightly glowing?
- Charlie Harper: Well, let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goodwill towards all mankind. So, let's get her plowed!
- Berta: Hallelujah!
- [Charlie takes Gloria upstairs]
- Berta: Aw, ain't that sweet? Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy!
- Jake Harper: Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
- Charlie Harper: That's a life lesson, Jake.
- Dorothy: Alan?
- Alan Harper: Uh, yes.
- Dorothy: I haven't seen you in thirty-five years.
- Alan Harper: No kidding. Uh, I'm sorry, I... I... I don't remember you.
- Dorothy: Oh. Well, I'm not surprised. At the time, you were busy learning to use the big boy potty.
- Alan Harper: Ah. Well, I did it!
- Alan Harper: [gives Jake his gift] You can open it tomorrow with your mother...
- [Jake starts to rip it open]
- Alan Harper: ...or you can rip it open now, with your teeth, like a rabid jackal.
- Dorothy: Listen, Alan. I'm looking for my daughter.
- Alan Harper: Drunk blonde?
- Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde...
- Dorothy: You've turned into a very attractive young man.
- Alan Harper: Thank you!
- Dorothy: Could've gone either way. Lucky you grew into those ears.
- Charlie Harper: [to Evelyn] What could you possibly tell me about that would put me off? She's married? She's insane? She's a man?...
- [to Gloria]
- Charlie Harper: You're not a man, are you?
- Gloria: No.
- Charlie Harper: Then, we're good!
- Evelyn: I forbid you to see this woman anymore.
- Charlie Harper: You forbid? What gives you the right to forbid? I'm 39 years old!
- Evelyn: I'm your mother, you are 40, and you must not see this woman anymore!
- Charlie Harper: Mom, you know that just makes me want her more.
- Evelyn: Charlie, I mean it!
- Charlie Harper: I'm getting hotter...
- Evelyn: Look, I know certain things about Gloria's past which are... well... unsavory.
- Charlie Harper: Okay, I'm going supernova!
- Evelyn: Will you listen to me? If you continue to see this woman, it will hurt me deeply!
- Charlie Harper: [to Alan] I may have to marry this girl!