- [first lines]
- TV Announcer: ...The second largest of felines after the tiger.
- Ken Dannegan: You musta been around nine or ten years old. That was the night I fell in love with you.
- Di Di Malloy: Yeah, Ken. Around here we call that pedophilia.
- Hugh Panetta: Bullshit, I think you just wanna blow me.
- Dahlia Malloy: [pretending to be Cherien Rich] You're right. I wanna blow you. I wanna blow you so bad, Hugh. Drop your pants. Come on now, don't be shy. That way I can take a picture of your little ol' ding dong for my sexual harassment lawsuit! That way I won't ever have to work again!
- Hugh Panetta: [to Dahlia, who is pretending to be Cherien Rich] Get your fingernails out of my balls!
- Hugh Panetta: [to Dahlia, who is pretending to be Cherien Rich] You're the craziest bitch I've ever met.
- Hugh Panetta: Doug don't know you're still popping pills, does he?
- Dahlia Malloy: [pretending to be Cherien Rich] You're a real bastard. No wonder you have nightmares.
- Wayne Malloy: Well, I take it you're still a virgin?
- Ken Dannegan: If ya don't count self pleasurin'.
- Wayne Malloy: I wanna ask your professional opinion about something. Can we get a body in here?
- [pointing to the boot]
- Ken Dannegan: Sure.
- [Ken climbs into the boot]
- Ken Dannegan: Look!
- Wayne Malloy: You're right.
- [Wayne closes the boot, with Ken still in it]
- Ken Dannegan: Hey! Do I just wait in here?
- Hugh Panetta: I didn't create alligators, I'm not God.
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] No, but you got eight fish and wildlife citations warning you not to build on an alligator habitat.
- Hugh Panetta: So maybe she should have thought of that before she went outside and started all of that reckless gardening. Some people are morons, Doug. Don't ever underestimate that.
- Hugh Panetta: I don't have any friends. I wonder why that is Doug?
- Wayne Malloy: [pretending to be Doug Rich] Because you're an asshole.
- Cael Malloy: Okay, she took Di's fingerprints. She's gonna have a permanent record.
- Wayne Malloy: Shit!
- [last lines]
- Dale Malloy: [to Earl] All I ever wanted to do was to make you proud, Daddy. I'll always be your brave little Indian. I love you, Daddy. And I will carry you in my heart 'till the day that I die. Good bye.
- Di Di Malloy: [about Ken] Why does he have to stay with us?
- Dahlia Malloy: 'Cause, you know, a fiancé always stays with the in-laws in the run-up to the weeding. It's tradition.
- Di Di Malloy: Well, I'm not gonna marry him.
- Dahlia Malloy: Well it's tradition. That's all im saying. It goes all the way back to the Middle Ages in Ireland. It's your tradition.
- Dale Malloy: [to Earl] Is that what you think of me, Daddy? You think I'm a sociopath? You can't trust me to run the family?
- Susan Malloy: [to Dale] It's a real big burden being responsible for a whole family. Don't feel bad at your Daddy for not picking you.
- Wayne Malloy: Dahlia, what are you doing here?
- Dahlia Malloy: Hugh offered me a job. I'm gonna take him up on it.