The Riches (TV Series)

Cinderella (2007)

Eddie Izzard: Wayne Malloy

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Hugh Panetta : Good morning Doug. Know what I'm gonna say? Guess.

  Wayne Malloy : [pretending to be Doug Rich]  I have no idea.

  Hugh Panetta : Go on, guess.

  Wayne Malloy : [pretending to be Doug Rich]  Well... you're in love with me.

  Hugh Panetta : No.

• Wayne Malloy : [pretending to be Doug Rich]  I want to be a partner, Hugh. I want to sign partnership papers with a Panco pen. I want to learn the Panco secret handshake. I want to get the keys to some partners only, executive bathroom, where the oragami's ... cut out of ... origami shapes. I want to wipe my ass with a swan, Hugh.

  Hugh Panetta : Not even I get to wipe my ass with a swan, Doug. Okay, man. I'm gonna marinade it over. Weigh the pros and cons. Let you know real soon. In the meantime, you need to invite me to a dinner.

  Wayne Malloy : [pretending to be Doug Rich]  A dinner?

  Hugh Panetta : Exactly. A dinner. You invite me over. I'll check out your house, your friends, your family. See if you're partnership material.

• Wayne Malloy : Speaking of strangers, where the hell is your mother?

  Sam Malloy : You said she was with her friend.

  Wayne Malloy : She is. She's with her old friend Chunky K.

  Di Di Malloy : I'm sorry, but does anyone else think that the name Chunky K is hilarious?

  Cael Malloy : Better than Fatty K.

  Wayne Malloy : Well, she was Fatty K, then Jenny Craig got involved.

  Sam Malloy : You know, we really shouldn't make fun of Mom's friend.

  Wayne Malloy : We're not making fun of her. That's her name. Ms. Chunky K. If I was to call her Ms. Slightly Heavy K, then that would be making fun of her. But she prefers Chunky, that's how she introduced herself.

• Sam Malloy : Can I ask you a question?

  Chunky K : Hit me.

  Sam Malloy : What were you in prison for?

  Wayne Malloy : That's private, Sam.

  Chunky K : There's nothing private about me. You are like my family. In fact, just call me, Aunt Chunky.

  Cael Malloy : Okay, Aunt Chunky.

  Di Di Malloy : Yeah, that sounds good, Aunt Chunky.

  Chunky K : I committed a murder, Sam.

• Wayne Malloy : [to Dahlia about Chunky K]  She is a risk. And a little freaky. And I think she's on drugs. Not to be critical.

• Dahlia Malloy : [about Chunky L]  She got a job, baby. She is the weekend supervisor at a sewerage treatment facility. Don't you make fun of her.

  Wayne Malloy : I'm not making fun of her. When I was little, I too wanted to supervise sewerage on the weekend.

  Dahlia Malloy : It was the best job she could get.

• Hugh Panetta : [Sam, pretending to be Sam Rich comes downstairs to a formal dinner in a dress.]  Who's this pretty lady? And where's your other son, Doug? Didn't you say you have two?

  Wayne Malloy : [pretending to be Doug Rich]  This is my son, Hugh. This is Sam.

  Nina : I hear he loves the theatre.

  Di Di Malloy : [pretending to be Di Di Rich]  Oh, yes, he does. We're actually just on our way to the school play after we finish eating. Isn't that right, Sam?

  [Sam nods in agreement] 

  Hugh Panetta : Well, sorry, partner, I didn't recognize you as a member of the B-Team.

  Sam Malloy : [pretending to be Sam Rich]  What's the B-Team?

  Hugh Panetta : Boys. The boys' team.

• Hugh Panetta : You want to be a partner?

  Wayne Malloy : [pretending to be Doug Rich]  That's what I went to law school for.

• Wayne Malloy : [pretending to be Doug Rich]  You want to make me a partner, right now, right here?

  Hugh Panetta : Why the hell not?

  Wayne Malloy : [pretending to be Doug Rich]  Maybe later.

• Wayne Malloy : [to Dahlia]  I wanted to be a partner. There's my partner lying on the ground. Something about it makes me sick to my stomach.

• Wayne Malloy : Does it matter?

  Nina : If my husband's gay.

  Wayne Malloy : It doesn't matter to me

  Nina : Well, you're not his wife.