House M.D. (TV Series)

Fetal Position (2007)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [to House]  I have a whole new appreciation for what you do. How hard it is to believe when everyone around you is telling you that you're wrong.

  Dr. Gregory House : It helps to know they're idiots.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [House becomes entranced while performing open fetal surgery and the fetus' hand emerges and grasps his fingers]  House?

  Dr. Gregory House : [snaps out of it]  Sorry. Just realized I forgot to Tivo "Alien."

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Did you give corticosteroids to speed the baby's lung development?

  Dr. Gregory House : No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development. I'm trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Step away, House. I'm going again.

  Dr. Gregory House : The only way to save her is to cut away the anchor holding her down.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : You keep going, you're going to get electrocuted!

• Dr. Robert Chase : If it were really a person and we had no other options, we'd do an exploratory surgery. Cut into his chest and have a look around.

  Dr. Gregory House : Let's do that!

  [stars to leave, but then stops in front of Cuddy] 

  Dr. Gregory House : You're the one who insists we treat it like a person. I'll put it back when I'm done.

• Dr. Gregory House : Welcome to the world of maternal mirror syndrome. Mom's body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it's like a new station opening in Dusseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks, get electrocuted. Before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you've got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews.

• Dr. Gregory House : Any of you guys ever been to the Galapagos?

  Dr. Eric Foreman : Was our patient there? Dengue fever, avian pox. Even West Nile.

  Dr. Gregory House : No. I'm looking for a vacation spot.

  Dr. Robert Chase : That mean we get vacation?

  Dr. Gregory House : How would that differ from your current status?

  Dr. Cameron : You're going to do what? Relax?

  Dr. Gregory House : Visiting family. My uncle's a giant turtle.

• Dr. Cameron : [to House]  What are you doing?

  Dr. Gregory House : Trying to avoid altitude sickness. Couldn't score a direct flight to Cambodia, so I decided to scale Argentina's infamous Mount Aconcagua

  Dr. Cameron : Perfect, except for the fact that you can't walk.

  Dr. Gregory House : There's a tribe of Mocovi Indians who actually carry the elders up...

  Dr. Cameron : You're insane.

  Dr. Gregory House : I'm an insane genius.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [to House]  You want to paralyze Emma Sloan's baby?

  Dr. Gregory House : Let me guess. Cameron.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Cameron and Chase both had their concerns.

  Dr. Gregory House : No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all-access pass to her love rug.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : They're sleeping together?

  Dr. Gregory House : If by "sleeping together," you mean having sex in the janitor's closet.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Here?

  Dr. Gregory House : No. The janitor's closet at the local high school.

  [pumps fist] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Go, Tiger Cats! Do you have one of those camera-phones? Because I've got a MySpace account.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy]  The urine you collected has been sitting in that fetus' bladder for weeks. And, as my pappy always said, "stale pee is useless pee."

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Emma]  The swollen bladder was not the only problem. We can't leave it inside you. We have to terminate.

  Emma : Well, can't you deliver him? Put him on a respiratory machine until you figure out what's wrong.

  Dr. Gregory House : We can, and it won't matter. The fetus is still at least two weeks away from being viable.

  Emma : Oh, well. I'll suffer through this for two more weeks, then.

  Dr. Gregory House : You're on dialysis for your kidneys. Your kidneys can wait. They don't make dialysis for your liver. You're not going to make it two more days.

  Emma : I'm not gonna let you kill my baby.

  Dr. Gregory House : It's killing you.

  Emma : I'm not having an abortion.

  Dr. Gregory House : It's not a baby. It's... a tumor. I understand dying for a cause, sacrificing your life so your child might live, but that's not the choice here. Either it dies or you both die.

  Emma : Or you fix him and we both live.

  Dr. Gregory House : I can't fix it. I'm scheduling a D and C.

  [gets up to leave] 

  Emma : I won't consent.

  [House stops and looks at her] 

  Emma : So I guess you have two days to figure it out.

• Dr. Cameron : [to House]  I thought you started your vacation.

  Dr. Gregory House : Somebody had to save our boss' rotundous ass.

• Dr. Gregory House : Hi. I'm Dr. House. My boss says you're important. Personally, I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty. Arms out in front of you! Palms up, like you're holding a pizza. Close your eyes.

  Emma : It's so easy you should consider a career change. Probably make a lot more money.

  Dr. Gregory House : Dr. Mackman tell you the clot was clear?

  Emma : Yes.

  Dr. Gregory House : He said that you and the fetus are fine?

  Emma : Yeah.

  Dr. Gregory House : He didn't mention your pronator drift.

  Emma : What's that mean?

  Dr. Gregory House : It means Mackman is an idiot! May I?

  Emma : Yeah.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Emma]  I'm rescinding Mackman's discharge order. My lackeys will be in to do some more tests, take some more blood and empty your catheter bag. Not a moment you will want to cherish.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [to House]  What are you doing?

  Dr. Gregory House : Well, you're trying to be me, so I thought I'd try to be you.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : You don't have the cleavage for it.

  Dr. Gregory House : But I have a much tighter ass. You think every day should be "naked Thursday" or is that an oxymoron?

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy]  My real patient is dying. Very quickly. Like I wouldn't advise her to buy any green bananas. The fetus is nothing more than a parasite at this point. Removing it is an instant cure.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : You're not going to get Emma to see it that way. She's probably already named the baby, read him books, had conversations with him.

  Dr. Gregory House : See, you get it. She'll listen to you.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : No.

  Dr. Gregory House : You let this woman refuse to terminate, you're helping her commit suicide. As her doctor, my recommendation is against suicide.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : If the baby had a doctor, I think she would recommend exhausting all possibilities before taking its life.

  Dr. Gregory House : Then she'd be an idiot.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Too bad she's your boss.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy about Chase]  Wow. The ass kisser won't agree with you, you must be even wronger than I thought.

• Dr. Gregory House : What would we do if this patient were not just a tadpole. Say it was an actual person.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : He... is a person.

  Dr. Gregory House : Thanks for playing along. Pretend it's a one-pound adult. Forget the mom, forget the womb, the placenta. How would we get a better look at what's in the lungs?

  Dr. Cameron : Transesophageal echo.

  Dr. Robert Chase : Can't access his esophagus.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : Higher resolution CT could give us a clearer...

  Dr. Robert Chase : Too much radiation for a one-pound person.

  Dr. Gregory House : You can't just shoot everything down, Chase. You're not me.

• Dr. Gregory House : Just booked my trip to Johnston Straight.

  Dr. Cameron : I thought you were climbing Mount whatever in Argentina.

  Dr. Gregory House : Apparently I'd have to live with the Mocovi Indians for 20 years before they'd consider me an elder. I decided to go kayaking with orca instead. No legs required.

• Dr. Gregory House : Mirror syndrome has a limited number of known causes.

  Dr. Cameron : Tachyarrhythmia, fetal anemia, placental chorioangioma...

  Dr. Gregory House : All of which are fixable. Which would be un-unfavorable, right?

  Dr. Eric Foreman : Could also be Trisomy 13, Epstein's anomaly, an aneurysm of Galen's vein...

  Dr. Gregory House : And Dr. Storm Cloud rained all over the differential and killed the beautiful little baby.

• Dr. Gregory House : Maternal Mirror Syndrome has one surefire cure. Deliver the fetus.

  Dr. Robert Chase : It's not viable at 21 weeks. You'll kill the baby.

  Dr. Gregory House : Fetus.

  Dr. Cameron : Do semantics make you feel better? Pretend it's not a person?

  Dr. Gregory House : Can it play catch? Can it eat? Can it take pretty pictures?