Mason:
[
after being punched in the nuts] Why?
Tipper:
You know why!
[
after Joy is dumped by her fiancé]
Tipper:
You know what? I can get a couple of my brother's loser ass friends to go over to Mason's apartment , knock on the door and when he opens it wham! They'll junk-punch him all up in his man business and he'll fall to the floor whaling and crying "why?" and then we'll say "you know why!"
Joy McNally:
Wow! Did you just make that up?
Tipper:
No, I thought about it a lot on the way over
Dave the Bear:
Do you even know how to drive an automatic?
Tipper:
You know why.
Jack Fuller:
[
standing outside the bathroom door] Can you hurry up?
Joy McNally:
[
from inside the bathroom, taking her time] Almost done!
[
walks into the kitchen to find Jack pissing in their sink]
Jack Fuller:
Oh yeah, this is really happening. Oh, and it's your day for dishes.
Hater:
I'm the law, bitch!
Jack Fuller:
How hard can it be?
Joy McNally:
I know how hard it isn't.
Jack Fuller:
...We got robbed. All they took was the door.
Jack Fuller Sr.:
You're like a son to me.
Jack Fuller:
Dad, I am your son.
Banger:
So you're the lucky guy?
Jack Fuller:
Yeah, Jack Fuller
[
shakes Banger's hand]
Banger:
Hi, i'm Richard Banger, you're in my seat!
Jack Fuller:
Hold on a second, your name is Richard Banger?
Banger:
Yeah!
Jack Fuller:
So your name is Dick Banger! Dick Banger! Dick Banger!, you my friend have supplied us with jokes for the whole weekend.
Banger:
And you must be Jack? Jack off! Jack off!, give it to me baby!
[
Jack & Banger embrace each other]
Jack Fuller:
And the old man is quick enough to think of a comeback
Jack Fuller:
Jack off!, I actually like that
Tipper:
I just wanna junk-punch him in his man business.
Joy McNally:
That's just the topping I wanted on my popcorn. I know the box said its movie theater butter, but you guessed it. What I really wanted was Jack's Sweaty ballsack flavor!
Jack Fuller:
I'm just giving you what you want, baby.
Hater:
This is my lesbian sister. Tell them about your softball team, tell them about your team.
Tipper:
If I could kill someone with my mind right now, it would be you.
Judge R. D. Whopper:
...Listen, I've been married for twenty five years to the same wonderful, infuriating woman. And granted there are days when I want to light her on fire but I don't, because I love her. And that would be illegal. And you know something, and I might be old fashioned but when I said those vows, I meant them.
Jack Fuller:
I did take myself out of the game. If you stop betting, you never have to lose.
Joy McNally:
Is there any part of the night, I don't know, maybe say the part where I was about to marry the rebound guy, that you thought, 'hey oh my God, this is a really good time for an intervention'?
Tipper:
[
extremely hungover] Seriously?
Joy McNally:
Yeah.
Tipper:
I like... threw up in my own purse... so...
Jack Fuller:
Hey, don't get hit by a bus
[
door slams behind Joy]
Jack Fuller:
. Or do, whatever.
Joy McNally:
The grown-ups have to go to work today... What are you going to do all day?
Jack Fuller:
I don't know yet
[
shoves cereal in mouth]
Joy McNally:
Hmph.
Jack Fuller:
I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.
Joy McNally:
Words to live by, Yanni.
Hater:
I can have a vial of crabs here in 30 minutes.
Jack Fuller:
Will to be married to me... again?
Joy McNally:
[
sighs] Being with you makes me be myself again so I will be married to you... again.
[
they kiss]
Joy McNally:
I quit my job.
Jack Fuller:
Good thing we have a ton of money!
Jack Fuller:
Where's the one place where you can step up and be a man?
Hater:
Community college?
Chong:
Be whoever you want to be, you'll still gonna be my subordinate.
Joy McNally:
Excuse me?
Chong:
It's from the Latin, meaning "my bitch."
Mason:
Well, this is my place so technically you'd be the one... who has to leave, but…are you crying?
Mason:
[
switches on light]
Tipper:
Surprise...
Mason:
Oh... shit balls...
Hater:
Lavender, you get on my head.
Chong:
I eat girls like you.
Joy McNally:
You eat girls?
Chong:
That's not what I me...
Joy McNally:
No, makes sense.
Chong:
No! I'm not...
Joy McNally:
Totally understandable.
Hater:
I didn't invent hip hop... but I was there!
Hater:
You should never let a chick get in your head; that's why I prefer not to even talk to my dates.
Jack Fuller:
It's like you're trying to come in first, but it's someone else's race.
Jack Fuller:
[
accepting an award] I have to thank my wife Joy. She probably never told you all the story about how we met. It might come as a surprise to many of you that we didn't know each other for very long before we got hitched. What can I say - when you know, you know.
Jack Fuller:
If you stop betting, you never have to lose.
Joy McNally:
I'd bet on you, Jack.
Hater:
Take him to court. It might be nice.
Jack Fuller:
What am I going to do about money?
Hater:
Wow, you're just realizing that, right now? Fascinating.
Hater:
[
talking to tipper] You know what stripper? You're kind of a disgusting skank.
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