Strongbad_email.exe: Disc Five (2007 Video)

Missy Palmer: Marzipan

Quotes 

• Strong Bad : [writing for an advice column in Scarfgirl magazine]  Dear Buttless in Bedstuy, Sounds like YOU need to play more video games, galpal. And not those girly ones where you pretend to be a dog or a frog neither. I'm talkin' about the explodey ones. The kind that make you dizzy when you play 'em. Then maybe your guy will stop talking about his ex. Eat a Steak, Cara Carabowditbowdit. XOXOXO

  [cut to Homestar and Marzipan reading the column together] 

  Marzipan : This lady doesn't know what she's talking about. And I don't like her pseudoname.

  Homestar Runner : Aw, you're just jealous 'cause she gets all the hot boys.

  [a piece of paper hits Homestar from offscreen] 

  Homestar Runner : Marzipan, mail's here.

  Marzipan : What's it say?

  Homestar Runner : [reading the note]  No I don't. Strong Bad. I mean, Cara Carabowditbowdit.

  Marzipan : See, I told you.

• [Strong Bad continues to narrate peoples' lives like movie trailers. He heads over to Marzipan's house and watches Marzipan and Homestar chatting. Homestar has on a red chef's hat with googly eyes on it] 

  Strong Bad : They were a couple in love.

  Marzipan : Homestar, you look like a dork with that on.

  Strong Bad : Until a dorky chef's hat threatened to tear them apart.

  Homestar Runner : [upset]  Oh, yeah? Well, maybe *you* look like some type of enormous... alien... cow!

  [Marzipan lets out a sharp, enraged gasp; music starts playing] 

  Strong Bad : This summer...

  [he is now seen in a field, watching Homsar levitate himself] 

  Strong Bad : ... this holiday season...

  [he is now standing next to the Poopsmith and his pile of whatsit] 

  Strong Bad : ... this Arbor Day, some smelly French studio invites *you* to sit through a four-hour film with no dialogue and no plot: "Whatsit All About".

• [Patrick Cowiche from Washington asks Strong Bad about his high school years] 

  Strong Bad : Now, I have an extremely unphotographic memory. So, I guess that'd be more like a drawing, or a doodle. Like a doodle memory. But I would hazard a guess that we were probably just like other cartoons were in high school, i.e. we were a team of super sleuths.

  [a title card for a TV show called "The Homestar Runner Mysfit-steries", featuring teenage versions of Homestar, Strong Bad, Strong Mad and Marzipan, is displayed] 

  Marzipan : Stampers! My long-lost uncles' abandoned pie factory sure is mysterious.

  Strong Bad : Aw, there's no such thing as "mysterious."

  Homestar Runner : I don't want to take any chances. We should play in a band, just to be safe.

  [Homestar, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and Marzipan suddenly start performing] 

  Homestar Runner : Havin' fun with my friends. Words about a mystery. Shakin' hands with my man...

• Homestar Runner : Oh, don't look now, Marzipan, but I think we're the hottest couple at the prom.

  Marzipan : Homestar, as always, we're the only couple.

  Homestar Runner : But what about Strong Sad and Deborah?

  Marzipan : That is unmistakably Coach Z.

  Homestar Runner : Who?

  [cut to Strong Sad watching Coach Z lace the punch with mouthwash] 

  Strong Sad : Coach Z, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You're supposed to be our chaperon!

  Coach Z : Are you kiddin'? I'm just lookin' out for all yer hygienes. Have ya ever talked to one of these kids up close? Their breaths is terrible!

• [Strong Bad runs an answering machine to get a call on who stole his laptop computer; someone who sounds like Marzipan speaks on the phone] 

  Marzipan : Hi, Strong Bad. This is your next-door neighbor the crocodile. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm going to make some puppy-dough cookies tonight...

  [Marzipan coughs a few times as her voice turns into that of Homestar] 

  Homestar Runner : ...Ooh! Got a spit bubble stuck in my throat. Anyway, Strong Bad, I was serious about the sugar. And... the crocodile thing.

• Strong Bad : [checking one last email on the Compy 386, despite the big shotgun hole through it]  There's a big ol' hole inside my email, makin' it hard to check.

  [the email is formatted around the hole] 

  Strong Bad : Ooh, automatic hole formatting!

  [he reads the email] 

  Strong Bad : "Dear Strong Bad, I want to see you perform some amazing feats of wonder."

  [he stops reading] 

  Strong Bad : You mean more amazing than checking an email on this computer?

  [he resumes reading] 

  Strong Bad : "Very seriously, Luke South."

  [he proceeds to type his response] 

  Strong Bad : Well, I am very serious too. Serious about the most incredible, tantalizing, pants-defying, mind-googling sights in the whole world! Lalalalalalaaaa! Ladies and Luke, I give you Strong Bad's Amazing Feats of Wonder!

  [Strong Bad reveals a carnival tent as he dresses as a sideshow caller] 

  Strong Bad : Gawk and squawk as I walk and talk like an old-timey sideshow caller, and add "Lalalalalaa" to the end of everything I say, lalalalalalaaa!

  [Strong Bad goes inside the tent, showing off Marzipan with her hair tied up] 

  Strong Bad : First up, in our gallery of ocular oddities, is a contortionist with a twist! Feast your Dust Bowl-ravaged eyes on Marzipan, the Human Woman Rotini!

  [Marzipan twists her neck into a spring shape, to the audience's amazement] 

  Strong Bad : Behold! An ocean of pesto!

  [some green liquid hits Marzipan in the face] 

  Marzipan : That's not part of my act.

  The King of Town : I know. It's a part of *mine*, lalalalalalaaa!

• [Strong Bad walks in on Marzipan's Montesodium class, holding a broken Skin Flesh crayon] 

  Strong Bad : Hey, goody Marzipan. Can I borrow some crayons? I broke my Skin Flesh.

  Marzipan : Shh! Strong Bad, not in front of the class!

  Homestar Runner : [a student in the class]  Teacher! I have to go bathroom!

  Strong Bad : Why can't I say "Skin Flesh" in front of the... uh, children?

  Marzipan : First of all, we don't call them children. They're life blossoms!

  Strong Bad : Life blossoms? Marzipan, what kind of cult are you running here?

  Marzipan : Oh, a pretty standard one. Anyway, we don't use the term "Skin Flesh". The color you're looking for is "Dermal Discoveries".

  Strong Bad : What's that scramble? What about Lipstick Red?

  Marzipan : No, no, no. Too gender-specific. We use "Crimson Suggestion".

  Strong Bad : Well, how 'bout Hairspray Blond?

  Marzipan : "Vague Pigmentation".

  Strong Bad : Leather Black?

  Marzipan : We just call that "blue".

• Strong Bad : [asked via email from someone named Fabrosi for tips on "lady-ing"; parodying his earliest self]  First, Fabrosi, you've got to look as much as possible like the Strong Bad. Take off your shirt, sand off your nipples...

  [rubs sandpaper on his nipples] 

  Strong Bad : ...and wear tight pants that accentuate all your suppleties. But sometimes that's not enough, and you have to douse yourself in the finest Mongolian aftershave lotion.

  [douses himself in gasoline and walks up to Homestar and Marzipan, gas fumes emanating from him] 

  Strong Bad : Oh, Marzipan. Do you want a-my bod?

  Homestar Runner : Uh, Strong Bad, why do you smell like a garage?

  Marzipan : Me, too!

  Strong Bad : Why, you... A-take a-this!

  [somersaults through the air and lands hard on Homestar's head, knocking him to the wrestling mat] 

  Homestar Runner : Oh!

• Strong Bad : [continuing his lecture on "lady-ing"; parodying his earliest self]  The ladies also can't resist awesome wrestling moves off the top rope!

  [jumps down off of wrestling ring ropes to tackle Homestar with a crash] 

  Homestar Runner : Ow!

  Marzipan : [watching the ordeal]  Ooh, that's resistible.

  Strong Bad : And if that doesn't work, bring out your cute baby brother...

  [Strong Sad is seen in the ring, but falls into the floor through a trapdoor] 

  Strong Bad : ... or holy-crap-adorable pet.

  [the Cheat appears] 

  The Cheat : [the Cheat noises as he bats his eyes] 

  Marzipan : [frowning]  Now it smells like a garage with a litter box in it.

  Strong Bad : The Cheat, I told you to wear finest Mongolian aftershave lotion!

  The Cheat : [the Cheat noises as he continues to bat his eyes; Strong Bad kicks him out of the ring]