- Lou: Chief, it looks like there's a 64G in progress.
- [Chief Wiggum looks confused]
- Lou: Armed robbery with a gun?
- [Chief Wiggum still looks confused; Lou draws a stick figure robber on his pad]
- Lou: Come on, chief. You know this one.
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, a shootie stealie.
- Homer Simpson: Chief Wiggum, you have to do something. My current wife is in there.
- Chief Wiggum: Well, you take over then. I have no stake in this. This isn't even my bank. I'm at Federal Mutual down the street.
- Ted Nugent: This is Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, urging you to vote no on Proposition 87. If we don't allow crossbows in our public schools, how will we protect our children from charging elk? Thank you for your time, and as always... I say Wango! I say Tango!
- Homer Simpson: You don't owe him nothing. I promised Moe I'd visit him in the hospital, but I don't.
- Marge Simpson: You told me you visited him every night.
- Homer Simpson: Moe the tavern, not Moe the man.
- Dr. Hibbert: Krusty, I haven't seen you since that terrifying day.
- Krusty the Clown: You'll have to be way more specific.
- Dr. Hibbert: We were hostages in the bank.
- Krusty the Clown: Oh, yeah. Sorry I offered your life for my safety.
- Homer Simpson: Come on, think.
- Homer Simpson: [brain] You think of something.
- Homer Simpson: You have to think. It's your job.
- Homer Simpson: [brain, mockingly] You have to think, it's your job!
- Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
- [strangles his own head]
- [Chief Wiggum just won a stuffed monkey at the carnival]
- Lou: Chief, I think we have a hostage situation over there.
- Chief Wiggum: Can't a man have one minute alone with his monkey? One minute?
- [Lou mumbles something]
- Chief Wiggum: What'd you say?
- Lou: I said the monkey would make a better chief!
- Chief Wiggum: He is a pretty great monkey, isn't he?
- Marge Simpson: I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
- Homer Simpson: Listen very carefully: don't do anything they say; remain panicky; and above all, try to be a hero.
- Dr. Hibbert: He'll be fine. Not you and me fine, but fine.
- Krusty the Clown: Hey! Leave the comedy to the comedians.
- Dr. Hibbert: All right, funny man. Make me laugh.
- Krusty the Clown: [looking at index cards] What if instead, he were run over by a zamboni?
- Dr. Hibbert: I don't see how.
- Krusty the Clown: Then I've got nothing.
- Warden: You will dance and you will like it. Then you will have punch and you will drink it. Then your eyes will meet and it will be awkward. So help me God!