- Grandpa Joe: David, I don't know if I ever told you this, but your grandmother is the only woman I ever had sexual relations with. And after last night I realized that, bless her soul, she didn't have a clue in the bedroom. But that Edna, she's a real professional.
- Grandpa Joe: I feel like I just met her and it's over already. She was such a sweet woman. Just being with her I wasn't so lonely. And even when I wasn't with her, knowing that I was going to see her again soon, knowing somebody with thinking about me, somebody cared for me made it easier to get through the day. I can't do this again David. I can't take the pain.it hurts too much, and it doesn't get any easier.
- David Mitchell: I know it's hard right now but don't worry. Grandpa, there's another companion out there for you.
- Grandpa Joe: No. Your grandmother was my first love; Edna was my last. Not a bad run for 84 years. But now I'm done with love. I'm done. It's over. I'm ending it.
- Grandpa Joe: I started out as a baby sucking on a breast and, by golly, that's the way I want to end up.
- Grandpa Joe: Still thinking about Julie?
- David Mitchell: She thought I was a player.
- Grandpa Joe: You were.
- David Mitchell: Great. Thanks for the help. It's very helpful help.
- Grandpa Joe: David, you gotta ask yourself. Are you a player or were you just played? Because she wasn't interested in the man you were, she might be interested in the man you are.
- Julie Larabee: Step 5, the Groucho effect. It says that men won't join any club that would have them as a member. Ulike women, men just don't know when they've got something good. But when you make him work to get in the club, he thinks he's lucky to get you. And since men sometimes fear commitment there's step 6, the pull back. Give them a view of what life would be like without you. And that's when he'll realize what he really wants.
- Rob Marcus: Buddy buddy all the way.
- David Mitchell: Yeah.
- Carrie Marcus: What the hell is buddy buddy?
- Rob Marcus: If Julie knows that David wants her, she's going to avoid him because she doesn't wanna feel like she's cheating on her boyfriend.
- David Mitchell: But as her buddy I'm not a threat so we get to spend quality time together, and before she knows it she's more attracted to me than her boyfriend. And that is the end of the story.
- Carrie Marcus: No it's not.
- [Pushes David and Rob in the water]
- Carrie Marcus: David, you need to grow up. Don't you realize girls know when you're playing them? Don't ask me how but they do. They know. And you.
- [Speaking to husband, Rob]
- Carrie Marcus: Oh, I'm so fed up with your crap. You're gonna have to decide if you want to be a divorced bachelor with him or a husband to me. Right?
- Grandpa Joe: There's only two ways to know she's your real companion. You either know it when you meet her, or know it when you lose her. Your companion is a woman you care about, a woman you could call your best friend, a woman you could tell anything to, a woman whose hands you really want to hold.
- Carrie Marcus: Why are you getting yourself all worked up over this one girl?
- David Mitchell: Why? I don't know. I don't know. Because she's cute, and I kinda like her, and I'm blowing it.
- Carrie Marcus: Will you just please tell her how you feel? Trust me on this on.
- David Mitchell: No. No. What I gotta do is turn things up a notch.
- David Mitchell: For the first time in my life I have spilled my guts out. I have never done that for anyone. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
- Julie Larabee: Frankly David, what I think it means is you've tried everything. Now you're desperate.