- Howard Wolowitz: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems.
- Sheldon: Problem.
- Leonard: What?
- Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech.
- Howard Wolowitz: No, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, before the movie you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.
- Raj Koothrappali: OK, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
- Sheldon: And yet you can't speak to women.
- Raj Koothrappali: True, but thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating.
- Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the Administration Office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.
- Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again. I'm the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I'll play. What self-important, preening *fraud* are they honoring this year?
- Leonard: Well, I'm so glad you asked it like that: You.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.
- Sheldon Cooper: Am I? Let me tell you a story.
- Howard Wolowitz: [to himself] Where's 70 children when you need them?
- Sheldon Cooper: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honors.
- Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.
- Sheldon: I'm perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.
- Howard Wolowitz: What to you is a large crowd?
- Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.
- Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
- Penny: It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt, and I have a whole new outlook on life.
- Sheldon: Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed-out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
- Penny: Yep, that's when I buy shoes.
- Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?
- Leonard: Um; I don't know, maybe.
- Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant, but everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.
- Leonard: How did you know you were a giant, if everything was to scale?
- Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.
- Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
- [first lines]
- Raj Koothrappali: OK, in Avatar when they have sex on Pandora they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, so?
- Raj Koothrappali: So, when they ride horses and fly on their birds, they also use their ponytails.
- Howard Wolowitz: What's your point?
- Raj Koothrappali: My point is if I were a horse or a bird I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.
- Raj Koothrappali: Okay, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
- Sheldon: And yet you can't speak to women.
- Raj Koothrappali: But thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, ahem, close your eyes.
- Sheldon: Okay, but don't punch me... When I was little my sister would say: "Close your eyes, you'll get a surprise." And then she'd punch me.
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm not going to punch you.
- Sheldon: That's what my sister used to say.
- Sheldon Cooper: Penny, Leonard, would you be able to answer some questions I'm having about the events of last night?
- Penny: Sure.
- Sheldon Cooper: Question 1: Where are my pants?
- Sheldon: Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolising oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide!