- Sheldon Cooper: Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying "coitus" with everyone or just you?
- Penny: Everyone.
- Sheldon Cooper: Harsh terms, but alright. I'll just substitute "intercourse"
- Penny: [sarcastic] Great.
- Sheldon Cooper: or "fornication". But that has judgemental overtones, so I'll hold that in reserve.
- Penny: So, how you been?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
- Penny: You're just coitusing with me, aren't you?
- Sheldon Cooper: Bazinga!
- Raj Koothrappali: Here's a question, Howard. Don't you think you're going to Hell for eating sweet-and-sour pork?
- Howard Wolowitz: Jews don't have Hell. We have acid reflux.
- Raj Koothrappali: Sure, he's over it. That's why he's been trying to invent that memory wiping device from "Men in Black".
- Sheldon Cooper: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
- Howard Wolowitz: So would Ben Affleck.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Whatever you do, don't let him near Goofy. He'll have nightmares and I'll be the one having to deal with it.
- Penny: What's his problem with Goofy?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You got me. He's fine with Pluto.
- Howard Wolowitz: The point is, you have to take sides. Are you on Team Penny or Team Leonard?
- Sheldon Cooper: Which team picks last?
- Howard Wolowitz: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: In high school, I was always in the team that picks last, unless there was a kid in a wheelchair.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What about you, Raj?
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, so now that you have no choice you want to hang out with me?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, we always hang out.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, please. You know I'm the one you call when no one else will. If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman.
- Howard Wolowitz: I wish you were Aquaman. Then you could retrieve my mother from the old lady tank.
- Raj Koothrappali: Do you think she's really doing that, or is it Photoshopped?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't think Martha Stewart was ever naked with a bunch of fat Japanese guys.
- Raj Koothrappali: You don't know that. Prison changes people.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Knock, knock, knock] Penny,
- [knock, knock, knock]
- Sheldon Cooper: Penny.
- [Knock, knock, knock]
- Sheldon Cooper: Penny.
- [Sheldon is holding up one hot dog]
- Sheldon Cooper: Here. I had to trade the others for my life.
- Raj Koothrappali: Do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, that's it. We're officially out of things to talk about.
- Sheldon Cooper: I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
- Penny: Yep.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.
- Penny: He's such an angel when he's asleep.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up.
- Penny: I think we can do it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn't that be wrong?
- Penny: No, be friends. You and me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Sure. Absolutely.
- Penny: Good. I'm glad.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Here's an idea. I'm just throwing it out there, friends who have sex.
- Penny: Good night, Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Good night.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well... then as my meemaw would say: "Looks like we butchered a pig but nobody wanted bacon."
- Leonard Hofstadter: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: When you say "seeing Penny", what exactly does that mean?
- Sheldon Cooper: We had dinner last night. She made spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in the sauce. Well, little hot dog. I had to give the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hellhound. Tangential to the main story. Let me backtrack.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why did you eat dinner with us?
- Sheldon Cooper: I didn't want you guys to feel bad. Howard had informed me that my allegiance be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Are you sure he didn't say bros before hos?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I changed the phrasing so as not to offend the hos.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, Leonard?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah?
- Raj Koothrappali: I haven't had sex in a year.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Where are you going with this, Raj?
- Raj Koothrappali: Don't flatter yourself, dude.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Coming into the apartment lobby] Uh oh.
- Penny: [Standing by the mail boxes] What?
- Sheldon Cooper: [Still at the doors] I was going to get my mail.
- Penny: Okay.
- [Sheldon doesn't move]
- Penny: Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
- Sheldon Cooper: I think you mean telekenitically. And no.
- [Moves to the mail boxes]
- Sheldon Cooper: I just wasn't sure of the protocol now that you an Leonard are no longer having coitus.
- Penny: God, can we please just say "No longer seeing each other"?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, we could if it were true, but as you live in the same building you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed... is the coitus.
- Penny: Okay, here's the protocol: You and I are still friends and you stop saying "coitus".
- Penny: How's Leonard doing?
- Sheldon Cooper: He seems alright, although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Although, now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm also pleased to report that he's all cried out over you.
- Penny: He's been crying?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn't supposed to mention.