- Dr. Donald Mallard: [after Jimmy explains having disliked sand since itching excessive following playing in some as a child] Well it wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
- Jimmy Palmer: Sand might what?
- Dr. Donald Mallard: The sand mite bit you.
- Jimmy Palmer: Sand bites?
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, sand mites might bite.
- Jimmy Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
- Dr. Donald Mallard: But medically found.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Autopsy Gremlin, what are you doing in here? You know what happens when the direct sunlight hits your skin.
- NCIS Agent Susan Grady: I'm an 080 security specialist, not a full-time agent. I got clearance from the director before I started freelancing.
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Wait. Director Vance knows?
- NCIS Agent Susan Grady: No, this was Director Shepard. This was, I think, February of '08.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Susan, you're not in trouble.
- NCIS Agent Susan Grady: I know I'm not in trouble. I haven't broken any regulations.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Then stop acting defensive.
- NCIS Agent Susan Grady: I'm not acting! I'm genuinely feeling on the defensive. You have a very off-putting way of putting people... you know, off.
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [as Gibbs is about to take a polygraph] Wouldn't miss this for the world.
- Leon Vance: Been dodging this for years.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You spent like 6 hours online last night. You need to unplug. Talk to real people.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, these are real people, Tony.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: *Living* breathing people with lungs and skin you can touch and interact with. Gotta find you one of those.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Yeah, well. I got one of the other kind. Petty Officer washed up on a Maryland beach. Grab your stuff.
- Jimmy Palmer: [Excitedly] Oh all right!... That is not an appropriate reaction, is it?
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [to Gibbs] You have a surveillance camera in the Conference Room now? Hope you don't have one in the elevator.
- Leon Vance: We don't. Not yet at least, Agent Fornell. How can I help you?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Borrow your TV.
- Leon Vance: And my copy of Emily Post. Door was closed.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Petty officer washed up on a Maryland beach. Grab your stuff.
- Jimmy Palmer: Oh all right!
- [Gibbs gives him a look]
- Jimmy Palmer: That is not an appropriate reaction is it?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know, Boss. I'm as shocked as you are, but *Ziva* invited the Gremlin up here.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Don't get him wet.
- Ziva David: We have hit a Shamu.
- NCIS Agent Susan Grady: Does she mean snafu?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Roll with it.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You still investigating those mob hits?
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Hence the undercover beard. I'm worried. If it gets a little bigger...
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: People are gonna start thinking you're Kenny Rogers.
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: The hits.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm gonna start calling you the Gambler.
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You sure you don't have a camera in the elevator?
- Leon Vance: When I do, you'll be the first to know. TV's all yours.
- Abby Sciuto: I have faith that if anyone can dig through burnt out remains and find uncooked cellular material, it's you two.
- Jimmy Palmer: [Groans] Remind me not to let you give a speech at my wedding.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gotta give you some lady advice.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Rather get a lap dance from a nun, Tony.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [as Gibbs is about take a polygraph] Where are you thinking of clipping that thing?
- NCIS Agent Susan Grady: Uh, it's for the sphincter sensor.
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [laughing] Oh geez!
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: [ID'ing a second victim at their crime scene] Well, no names coming up in AFIS. Oh, wait a second, boss. We've got a red flag here. It says to contact the FBI.
- Ziva David: I think I recognize this guy. Isn't it...?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stefano Delmar.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Organized crime. Up-and-comer. Our petty officer stumbled onto a hit.
- Abby Sciuto: [re: McGee] Just think about his last girlfriend: she tried to kill him.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, I get it. You're trying to cover McGee like a protective hen.
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Or an overprotective panther.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing Jimmy trying to put ointment on an alergic reaction on his back] Dear God! Someone fed him after midnight.
- Ziva David: Jimmy, what happened to you?
- Jimmy Palmer: Turns out I am really allergic to henna, but I-I can't reach back there. So do you think you guys could...
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [grabbing his bag and hurrying toward the elevator] I'm late for a squash game.
- Ziva David: [hurrying toward the elevator] I'm sorry I gotta get the hell out of here.
- Jimmy Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's what girlfriends are for!
- Jimmy Palmer: Yeah, yeah, ok. I can get the top part.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stay, stay, stay!
- Ziva David: No please! It might be contagious.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pointing to Ziva] She'll do it! She'll do it!
- Ziva David: I may have to hurt you massively. I may have to hurt you massively!
- Jimmy Palmer: I would do it for you!
- Ziva David: No you wouldn't!
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Did you start looking... after we saw the judge... or before?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Before.
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Right...
- [to Gibbs]
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Thanks for doing it my way.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, don't mention it.
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I was being facetious.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So was I.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did you really make that decision or was it made for you? By your addiction to killing. McGee killed a thousand people yesterday.
- Ziva David: Eh? That is not a record.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On his video game.
- Ziva David: Oh. Is that a record?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a surprising bit of editorial coming from the once-and-future king of Dorkland.
- Jimmy Palmer: Hey. I now have a girlfriend.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The king is dead.
- [Puts his hand on McGee's shoulder]
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Long live the king.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You know what my problem is? My only suspect makes 30 grand a year, and he just spent $40,000 on damn new fishing boat!
- Bill: Gnarly, dude!
- Ted: Yeah, for real.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Words. Use 'em! Helpful ones.
- Ted: We're sleeping in our van, yo, right. And we hear "Bam! Bam! Boom! Boom! Crack! Crack!"
- Bill: Gun shots, dude. That's what I said. I was like "Dude, gunshots!" Right?
- Ziva David: So you're saying there were 6 gunshots.
- Bill: No, two gunshots, but there was like an echo. And he was like "Dude, don't look", but I was like "Dude we're lookin'!"
- Ted: Yeah, and then we like peeked through the windows. And we saw two dudes drive off in a black Lincoln.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Two? You're sure it wasn't an echo?
- Bill: Yeah, two dudes.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This reminds me of middle school; when the smart kids had to check the dumb kids homework.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: And which one were you?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And that's because I anointed you King of Dorkland? Fair enough.
- Jimmy Palmer: I need help, Doctor. I can't tell whether this is a metacarpal or metatarsal bone.
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Neither. No, it's the lower extremity of a Lepus cuniculus.
- Jimmy Palmer: A rabbit's foot?
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah. Look at the markings here on the end. It's where the metal keychain cap was attached.
- Jimmy Palmer: Huh. Someone must've been carrying this for good luck. I wonder if they can get their money back?
- [chuckles until Ducky gives him a disapproving look]
- Jimmy Palmer: I am so sorry. Uh, that was just a joke. And it was not a good joke. I realize that, now.
- Abby Sciuto: [entering] DNA! I need more. I finished ID'ing the first four victims - ugh! - and I'm ready for a new batch.
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Mr. Palmer, if you've finished your multi-species insensitivity?
- NCIS Agent Susan Grady: Um, if you could just make some room.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Where are you thinking of clipping that thing?
- NCIS Agent Susan Grady: It's for the sphincter sensor.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh, gee...
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [snickers]
- NCIS Agent Susan Grady: I, uh, usually set this up beforehand.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: All you need now is a buzzer.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to their murder suspect] You really think you're such a natural that you didn't leave behind a single red hair? You never faced your victims, but you still murdered them.
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You know, it doesn't matter that you think they had it coming. You were appointed judge. Not jury and executioner.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: [referring to her megaphone] Abby, do you really need that thing?
- Abby Sciuto: Need, McGee? Reason not the need, McGee.
- Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He was thrown in alive?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Petty Officer was trying to be a good samaritan.
- Jimmy Palmer: No good deed goes unpunished.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Listen, when Jimmy Palmer's out-girling you, trust me, you need my advice. I think you should give the girl a chance. You never have. Maybe you should. She's a nice girl.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's very adult of you.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not me. It's her. Something about her, I can't put my finger on it, but I think she's got a really nice butt underneath those long blouses.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's more like it.
- Judge Evelyn Wallace: There are two kinds of people in the world: the kind that actually believes there's only two kinds of people, and the kind that ain't total idiots.
- Judge Evelyn Wallace: There are two kinds of people in the world: the kind that actually believes there's only 2 kinds of people, and the kind that ain't total idiots.