Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

A Kid in King Arthur's Court (2009)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : A cat in Bea Arthur's cooch.

• Player : Hasta la vista, Fuller.

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Schwarzenegger]  You do not have copyright of that catchphrase! I eat you! I eat you all!

• Calvin : [wearing a knight helmet]  Smells like something died in here.

  Nostalgia Critic : Um, someone DID die in there.

• Princess Sarah : [Sarah and Katie share a tender, sisterly moment]  I will always look after thee.

  [Sarah strokes Katie's hair as Critic pants like a dog and leans closer to the screen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [the scene fades; screams]  NO! Go back! Go back! I wanna see them get it on!

  [the scene turns to King Arthur and Calvin] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Son of a bitch! We're right in the middle of hot medieval lesbianism, one of the few things I want to see before I die, and all of a sudden it cuts to these two putzes? I mean, come on! What kind of sexual eroticism can they possibly get on with those two?

  Calvin : Never swallow.

  King Arthur : Never swallow.

  Nostalgia Critic : [stares, then screams]  Go back to the lesbians!

• Nostalgia Critic : So Merlin transports him back and even allows him to finally finish his baseball game the way he wants to, getting rid of his ballphobia.

  [Calvin hits a home run and runs in slow motion] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And that's not slow-mo, that's really how fast he runs.

• Nostalgia Critic : [as Merlin]  No, no, I said bring me a knight, not show me cut scenes from Rookie of the Year.

• Player : Fuller, get me my bat.

  Calvin : [sarcastically]  As you wish, your highness.

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, act like the ball isn't gonna rape you and then you can talk back to the players.

• Nostalgia Critic : So Calvin and Katie go rollerblading through King Arthur's castle... wow, that did sound as stupid as I thought it would.

• Nostalgia Critic : Calvin and Katie go riding in the forest when they spot Winslet and Craig doing...

  [they're kissing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : WHOA! Hot British SEX! I never thought those three words would come together, but WHOA!

• King Arthur : The people believe me to be a coward. The guards are still loyal to Lasko. We bide our time, young lad, and when the hour is nigh, we'll nail him.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, we'll wait until he kills me in my sleep, marries my daughters and takes his place on the throne. Then, we'll really get'em.

• Nostalgia Critic : What? You're gonna let him walk after all he's done?

  Calvin : You're gonna let him walk after all he's done?

  Nostalgia Critic : Even the idiot knows this makes no sense!

• Princess Katie : Is there nothing I can say or do to make you stay?

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Calvin]  There's several things you can do to make me stay. You just won't do them.

• Nostalgia Critic : This is the kind of movie you show your kids to punish them.

• Nostalgia Critic : Hey, they're actresses first and sisters second, and that's good enough in my porno... book.