Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)
Jingle All the Way (2008)
Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic
Quotes
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Ted : You can't benchpress your way out of this one.
Nostalgia Critic : Arnold searches for an appropriate response.
The Terminator : Fuck you, asshole.
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Nostalgia Critic : [feeling downbeat] Well, Christmas is over, Santa has come and I guess I got the post-Christmas blues. Twelve months waiting, weeks upon weeks of hoping for some of the world's greatest Christmas gifts, and what did I get? A Nintendo Wii Entertainment System, two fully functional controllers, the latest edition of Super Smash Brothers Brawl... and no Mario Kart? Suck my candy cane, Santa! That was the cream of the yuletide crop and you knew it. Instead, what did I get in my stocking? A holly jolly dose of bullshit known as "Jingle All the Way".
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Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Jamie, played by Jake Lloyd] Well I always wanted to ruin a Star Wars movie.
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Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Schwarzenegger] Fuck Booster! Give me the Turbo Man, you girlie man!
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Nostalgia Critic : But hope comes in the shape of a Belushi.
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Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Arnold] Dear God, my son is going to grow up to be unfunny, unsuccessful black man.
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Nostalgia Critic : So Santa, for giving me such a great gift this year, I got one thing to say to you: you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why.
[pulls gun; angrily]
Nostalgia Critic : The Nostalgia Critic is comin' to your home, bitch! I'm rip roarin' pissed. I remember it, so you don't have to.
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Nostalgia Critic : Ladies and gentlemen... the film just gave up. It clearly doesn't care about the story narrative or making any resemblence of any logical sense, so they just said 'fuck it' and started showing amusing images to entertain your kids. Well, like they say, if you can't beat them
[puts on pirate hat]
Nostalgia Critic : join them.
[dances while footage of the movie is shown and 'Playmate' plays on soundtrack]
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Nostalgia Critic : Well, maybe one thing: "Jingle All the Way" can jingle all the way to hell! This is the worst Christmas gift since Donald Trump's toupee!
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Nostalgia Critic : So, grab your vomit bags and get ready to find out oh what fun it is to ride in a horseshit-spewing fuck-ride like this one.
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Nostalgia Critic : So it starts out with a show called Turbo Man. I'd say it's like Power Rangers for younger kids, but it's more like Power Rangers for retarded kids.
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Ted : Hey, sorry you missed the karate class today, but don't worry. I got it all on video for ya.
Nostalgia Critic : Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such horrible Christmas classics as Here Comes Steven Segal, Frosty the Van Damme, and The Stallone Who Stole Christmas.
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Howard : Come on, Myron, you're taking this too far.
Nostalgia Critic : Yes, listen to the person dressed up as Turbo Man. He's not taking anything too far.
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Nostalgia Critic : So let me get this straight: a parade that can barely afford what looks like two balloons and only a few copyrighted characters can afford a fully functional rocket pack that even NASA couldn't perfect yet? Is there a name for what's wrong with these writers?
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Nostalgia Critic : [sarcastically] I haven't been this shocked since I found out the secret to living a long lasting life... was breathing!
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Myron : [Jamie gives his Turbo Man to Myron] You know, this is gonna make my son really happy.
Nostalgia Critic : As soon as I'm done serving five to twenty.
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Myron : I'm sorry about that little tension we had on the roof up there.
Jamie : Hey, it's cool.
Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Jamie] I don't care that you savagely tried to kill me just to get your hands on a children's possession to satisfy your own sense of self worth. For me, that's what Christmas is all about.
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Nostalgia Critic : [about Jamie] He's upset because his father is a workaholic, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger... I'd just be upset if my father was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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Nostalgia Critic : And this guy was a multi-million dollar action star. Life is stupid.
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Nostalgia Critic : Idiotland. It's full of... IDIOTS!
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Howard : But Jamie, I thought you wanted this doll more than anything.
Jamie : What do I need the doll for? I got the real Turbo Man at home.
Nostalgia Critic : A Turbo Man who neglects me and puts his work before anything else.
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Nostalgia Critic : [as Howard] So long, Jamie, I am off to neglect you some more.
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Howard : [grabs two heckling salesmen] Where's your Christmas spirit?
Nostalgia Critic : THAT'S the Arnold we all know and love. Now squash their heads like grapefruit.
[Howard releases them]
Nostalgia Critic : PUSSY!
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Howard : Put that cookie down!
Nostalgia Critic : You stay away from my wife! You stay away from my cookies! You stay away from MY WIFE'S COOKIES!
Ted : There's the next batch. Gotta go, Howard.
Howard : Yeah, but -
[line disconnects]
Nostalgia Critic : COOOOOOKIEEEEEEEEEEE!
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Nostalgia Critic : I also love this over-the-top expression that Arnold gets that looks like a cheesy cliffhanger to an '80s sitcom.
Liz : Good, because at this point, they'd probably be impossible to find.
[lights go out, Howard stares wide-eyed at the camera]
Nostalgia Critic : [the Odd Couple theme plays; Critic imitates narrator] Uh oh, how's Arnold gonna get out of this one? Will he have time to get the gift, or will the most impractical and implausible of hijinx ensue? Tune in next time as Master-Piece-of-Shit Theater continues.
