- Moe Szyslak: Hey, clown! We've heard your stand-up, now how about some shut-up?
- Krusty the Clown: Everyone's a comedian!
- Moe Szyslak: Everyone except you!
- Simon Cowell: So, how do you like L.A.?
- Moe Szyslak: It's a helluva city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it on the beach.
- Simon Cowell: Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive.
- Homer Simpson: [to Moe] You can't close! I'll have to go home and drink better beer at half the price... and natural lighting!
- [Bart is dressing up Santa's Little Helper for the ugliest dog contest]
- Homer Simpson: Not ugly enough. I want him to look like this...
- [Holds up Weekly World News with Bat Boy on the cover]
- Bart Simpson: Ay caramba!
- Homer Simpson: ...had a baby with this...
- [shows picture of Mr. Burns]
- Homer Simpson: ... and got sat on by this.
- [Shows picture of Patty]
- Bart Simpson: How about this?
- [Draws picture and shows it to Homer]
- Homer Simpson: Oh... my... God! Bart, you never fail to disgust me.
- Bart Simpson: Just call me Barf Simpson.
- Homer Simpson: I wanted to, but your mother thought kids would laugh at you.
- Ryan Seacrest: Ellen, what's your ramble on this?
- Ellen DeGeneres: Ryan, I don't ramble anymore. Although I do like that song Ramblin' Man by the Allman Brothers. At first I thought they were the Almond Brothers, which is great, since I like nuts, except for filberts, which is odd because I love Dilbert, because when you spend all day in a cubicle, you just gotta dance!