Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Jaws 3D (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : And that's Jaws 3D, or as I like to call it: Shit.

• Nostalgia Critic : Whoa, what's up with Quaid's pits? I guess shark attacks give him an unbelieveably fear of Old Space.

• Nostalgia Critic : Alot of you may be wondering where I've been for the past week. Well, there was a... incident in Nevada... Many people injured... I can never go back. But I'm here now and ready to do the next review.

• Nostalgia Critic : So this British... fish hunter or something comes aboard to try and capture the shark and make lots of money off of it.

  Cinema Snob : [cutting in]  Actually, that guy is from Manimal.

  Nostalgia Critic : Cinema Snob? What are you doing here? What is Manimal?

  Cinema Snob : Only the greatest series to ever come out of the 1980s. Let me fill you in. It all started on September 30, 1983. Simon McCorkindale starred as Dr. Jonathan Chase...

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh come on, that's not a ride, that's a hentai.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating FitzRoyce]  Wait, you can't eat me. I'm British food. I taste terrible.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh look, another black guy. I guess that gives Calvin a fighting chance to survive this movie, doesn't it?

• Nostalgia Critic : So even though she's in a giant, metal cage, does that stop Jaws? Fuck no, she rips through it like it was wet toilet paper.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Kelly]  You lured me with the promise of penis.

• Nostalgia Critic : But meanwhile, a bigger, *nastier* foe is at work. That's right, I'm talking about the lowest form of scum known by man...

  [slams hands on table, camera zooms in on his face] 

  Nostalgia Critic : CORAL STEALERS!

• Nostalgia Critic : I mean, really? Coral stealers? We have coral stealers in this movie? Who's their competition, the seahorse mafia?

• Nostalgia Critic : So, of course, Jaws strikes again, but it wants to be sure no evidence is left behind.

  [the raft implodes and gets sucked under the water] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Bet you didn't know Jaws can suck rafts through a straw, didn't you?

• Nostalgia Critic : Good lord, nothing can stop this killing machine. Well, except maybe one thing... Chuck Norris!

  Nostalgia Critic : [a banner with Chuck Norris in front of an American flag with epic music pops up]  A-CHUCK A-NORIIIIIIS!

  Nostalgia Critic : But, even then he would have to be riding a shark just as big as Jaws.

  Nostalgia Critic : [a picture of Chuck Norris riding a shark pops up with the same epic music but slower]  A-CHUCK A-NORIIIIS! Riding a shark just as big as JAAAAAAWS!

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating a dolphin]  There's a shark, bitch! Run!

• [after a character dies, his friend breaks down crying holding onto a ladder] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Aw, that was real gripping. In that he was really gripping that ladder. You can't deny, he was really holding on to that ladder.

• [after Jaws breaks the glass of the control room] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, after she breaks the fourth wall, she goes looking around for tasty morsels. Guess who she picks?

  [Jaws starts eating the other black character] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Calvin]  Phew! Thank God I hired that other black guy. I guess lousy killer monsters really do prefer dark meat.

• Dr. Kay Morgan : [concerned]  Mike, the dolphins!

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, what about the dolphins? Those characters that played little to no part, but now we're suddenly concerned about!

• Nostalgia Critic : Yes, the dolphins make it out as well. Which is funny because we don't really know if any of the people made it out alive or if they just drowned to death, but the dolphins are okay and that's all that matters. Well, okay, no, it isn't, but who cares, the movie's over. I'll take anything you throw at me.

• [after Jaws breaks the glass of the control room] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, after she breaks the fourth wall, she goes looking around for tasty morsels. Guess who she picks?

  [Jaws starts eating the other black character] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Calvin]  Phew! Thank God I hired that other black guy. I guess lousy killer monsters really do prefer dark meat. Later!