Dark Horse (2011)

Jordan Gelber: Abe

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Abe : We're all horrible people. Humanity's a fucking cesspool. People look in the mirror every fucking day and lie to themselves, saying they're good or caring or loving, but deep down - not so deep down - they only care about themselves. People... People treat you like shit, every fucking day, and then they act like other people are shit... so they get a pet that's all cute and cuddly, but even an animal knows the hard, primal truth: It is all about what you want; and, if there's any kindness or generosity, it only comes after being well-fed, or having good sex, or knowing that you weren't wiped out like all the other suckers on Wall Street.

• Mahmoud : Poor thing. You really don't get it, do you?

  Abe : Get what?

  Mahmoud : Everyone has a receipt, and it never adds up.

• Abe : What're you gonna do? Fire me?

  Jackie : I can't fire you. You quit.

• Abe : Can you believe my father? I mean, like, I didn't even do anything, and yet, somehow, it's all... always all my fault.

  Marie : Well, family and business is always a tricky combination.

  Abe : Everything would be fine if he wasn't such a fucking asshole. You see the way he talks to me.

• Abe : You know, if it wasn't for my dad, I could've been a singer.

• Miranda : I want to want you.

  Abe : That's enough for me.

• Abe : You are so different here from the way you are at the office.

  Marie : I'm not on payroll here.

• Abe : I'm not a kid.

  Marie : I know. Next thing you know, you'll be fifty and your life will be over, and you'll still be living at home.

  Abe : You know, it costs a lot of money to move out. I'm not rich!

  Marie : You're a cheapskate and a freeloader. Face it.

  Abe : There're my parents! They need me!

  Marie : No. Grow up. No one needs you.

• Abe : I was supposed to be the dark horse.

• Abe : [showing Miranda his room, which is full of action figures, toys and posters of Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings and Thundercats]  Don't worry, I am not a Trekkie or anything super-nerdy like that.

• Abe : I can't take any more of this crap! You always blame me for everything! Well, fuck you, I quit!

  Jackie : Fine! Then you can pack up and move out of the house while you're at it!

  Abe : You can program the TiVo yourself!

• Phyllis : Maybe you should go back into therapy.

  Abe : Psychiatrists are idiots! The whole profession is a joke! I know my problems better than anyone and there's no solution.

  Phyllis : Dr. Sonnenschein...

  Abe : Dr. Sonnenschein's the biggest fucking idiot of them all!

  Phyllis : He helped your father and me. He helped us with our marriage. Remember, we almost got a divorce.

  Abe : You should have gotten divorced.

• Marie : Justin's a good kid.

  Abe : He's a fuckin' moron!

  Marie : Maybe, but he does what he's told. People like him.

  Abe : What are you saying? You on my dad's side or something?

  Marie : I like Justin. He's easy on the eyes.

• Abe : I'm moving out.

  Phyllis : Where are you gonna go?

  Abe : Away. As far away as possible.

  Phyllis : Do you need any money?

  Abe : I have savings, I don't need anyone's help. I mean, like, mom, I'm...

  Phyllis : Remember, I'm always here for you.

  [she kisses him and starts to leave the room] 

  Abe : Mom?

  Phyllis : Yes, honey?

  Abe : Actually, you know, you never did pay up for my Backgammon winnings.

  Phyllis : Oh. Well, I'll write you a check in the morning.

  Abe : $845 as of October 4th.

  Phyllis : You're always so good with dates and numbers. Hey, you wanna play a quick round, just for fun?

  Abe : First, the check.

  Phyllis : Can I pay you in installments?

• Abe : I can't help it if I was a screamer!

  Richard : And I can't help it if I was easy!

• Abe : My mother said that she thinks you're... pregnant. Is it true?

  Miranda : You know your mom.

  Abe : I know. That's why I'm asking, because, if it's true, if you're carrying my baby, it's gonna be okay.

  Miranda : Don't worry. I'm not.

• Abe : Miranda, I know this might take you by surprise, I mean, like, totally wild and crazy, I know. I'm just a dark horse at heart, but I always just tell myself "Abe, go for it!"

  Miranda : Uh-huh.

  Abe : Miranda, I wanna marry you. Will you accept? Don't say anything. Just think about it. I know. It's totally crazy. I know. I just wanted to put it out there, let you know how I feel, but let's just push that aside for now. You wanna go to the movies, do to the mall or somethin', pick up some tacos?

• Abe : [at the toy store customer service counter]  I'm looking for my financeé.

  Jiminy : I'm sorry. We don't carry any fianceés here.

  Abe : But I know she's here.

  Jiminy : Maybe you'd like to try one of our other outlets?

  Abe : Look, I just told you she's here! Do I have to talk to the store manager?

  Jiminy : Sorry. He's out for lunch, but he'll be back in a few minutes, if you'd like to wait.

  Abe : No, I would not like to wait. I paid for a financeé and I want her now!

  Jiminy : Maybe you'd like to flip through our catalogue. We could special order for you, if you'd like, but I'm afraid, once a purchase has been opened, it can't be returned - store policy.

  Abe : But I have a receipt.