Mulligan (II) (2012)

Jonathan Eliot: John Hanson

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  John Hanson : [John Hanson sets several golf balls on fire]  Life is not easy to figure out when you're busy living it. Especially if you have a really meaningless life like I do.

  [He lines up his shot with his golf club and then launches the flaming golf balls into a nearby building] 

  John Hanson : You forget who you are and what you were doing and what the point of anything was. Things just happen like a train runs into your house or everyone you love suddenly explodes. Or you're in the backwoods of Wisconsin looking for half a million dollars.

• John Hanson : Why are you telling me this story?

  Karl : Because I got laid and then I got high. And that itself constitutes a good narrative. But then I got bored and so I just started going through her stuff.

• John Hanson : Are you ever not high?

  Karl : The first thirty minutes of every morning. And I don't really get high anymore. I've been doing this since I was 13.

  John Hanson : Isn't it starting to catch up with you?

  Karl : I'm frequently unhappy and constantly think about suicide.

  [pause] 

  Karl : But I don't see a connection. Drugs are a catalyst for life.

• Officer Frank : Don't shit me, kid. I ain't in your colon and I ain't dropping into any porcelain bowl.

  John Hanson : I really think I'm older than you.

  Officer Frank : May be, son, but I'm wearing a hand-cannon that's almost as big as my Johnson. And I never did like back talk.

  John Hanson : Officer, we're not looking for trouble. Just a little beer by the lake. A couple of VHS tapes.

  Officer Frank : I respect that. But don't drink and boat. You can call me Frank. I'll be frank to you if you'll be frank to me.

• Karl : This is John Hanson. And I'm Karl, attorney at law. We're land surveyors from the federal government.

  John Hanson : You just said you were an attorney at law.

• John Hanson : Thanks, Alice. I suppose you're also going to tell me that there's no buried treasure.

  Alice : There has to be. Otherwise, what has everyone been failing to find for the last ten years?

  John Hanson : That would make a really good argument for the existence of God.

• Karl : How'd you get a name like Tinker?

  Tinker : I took it from a book. I thought it sounded pretty.

  John Hanson : Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy?

  Tinker : I don't remember; I didn't read the book.

  John Hanson : A tinker is a tinsmith.

  Tinker : What?

  John Hanson : Someone who mends household goods made out of tin.

  Tinker : Well I don't do that.

  Karl : Hanson is a genius. He'll tell you all about his graphic novel.

  John Hanson : Pictorial epic.

  Karl : [interrupting]  But first I think we should smoke this Adderall rock and go skinny dipping.

  Alice : Start without me.

• John Hanson : They say that when you fall in love, you feel like you lose a part of yourself. But you also feel that way when someone shatters your life's work with one nicely-worded analysis.

• Officer Frank : [Officer Frank catches John and Alice digging on the golf course]  Well well well. If it isn't two little Indians. Vandalizing government property. You want to tell me what you're doing?

  [pause] 

  Officer Frank : Spit it out, boy. I didn't ask you how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

  John Hanson : I'm burying my father's ashes.

  Officer Frank : You're what?

  John Hanson : My father wanted his ashes buried on this golf course. I found the urn in his cabin. And we're burying them.

  Officer Frank : Where are they? The ashes?

  John Hanson : I already buried them.

  Officer Frank : Where's the urn?

  John Hanson : I threw it over there.

  Officer Frank : I can smell your shit, son. And I don't just mean that I'd like to.

  [Taking out his handcuffs] 

  Officer Frank : You've both bought yourselves a ticket to Frank's Hotel.