Kickassia (2010 Video)
Lewis Lovhaug: Linkara
Quotes
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Benzaie : Shit! Cinema Snob is gone, now what do we do?
Linkara : I suggest an attack. A full-frontal assault by all of us. I'll orchestrate it myself.
Angry Joe : Damn it, man! He'll have plenty of time to set off the detonator! He'll kill us all!
Linkara : I can do this Joe! I've seen "Patton" over a hundred times!
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Phelous : I think our last option after our last option is Linkara.
Angry Joe : Yeah, you might have a point.
[Looks over at Linkara who is cleaning his magic gun]
Angry Joe : What do you say Linkara? Why don't you try out some of that strategic mumbo-jumbo?
Linkara : [Puts the gun away and gets up, throwing an arm over Joe's shoulder as he talks] Joe, Joe, Joe. I know we've had our differences in the past.
Angry Joe : We have?
Linkara : Yes; I don't like you very much.
Angry Joe : Oh.
[Pouts]
Linkara : [while walking away] But your live of destruction mixed with my love of planning destruction might serve us well.
Angry Joe : So you'll do it?
Linkara : [Looks dramatically over his shoulder] Its my job to do it.
Linkara : [Spins around dramatically, shedding his coat to reveal a TNG Star Trek uniform and knocking off his fedora to replace it with a helmet before pushing Joe aside and imitating Patton] Alright troops, here's how its gonna work...
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Linkara : I got 3:24 here, but I think Spoony's watch is more accurate.
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Nostalgia Critic : And so, it is the ruling of this court that you be found guilty for the crimes against our government. All in favor, say 'aye'. Aye. All opposed?
The Spoony One , Linkara , Angry Joe , Nostalgia Chick , Phelous , MarzGurl , Bennett the Sage , 8-Bit Mickey , Benzaie : Nay!
Nostalgia Critic : [sing-songy] Too bad I'm in charge! Guilty!
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Linkara : Good shooting, Joe, except for the fact that you missed.
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Nostalgia Chick : I am the new ruler of Kickassia, and there's gonna be some new rules around here.
[laughs maniacally]
Cinema Snob : [takes hat from her] Excuse me, but it was my insight that overthrew this government. So I think it should be I taking over as acting president.
[laughs maniacally]
Linkara : [takes hat from him] Bad news, I'm afraid. Since I'm the one who orchestrated this operation, it's obviously I who should be president.
[laughs maniacally]
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Paw : That's a game of Risk.
Linkara Patton : Yes, and it's also gonna serve as our battle plan. Now then, just assume that Northern Europe here is the Government House, and Greenland is the Back Yard. Angry Joe and I will be stationed here!
[points at the United Kingdom]
Linkara Patton : Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey will travel in through the back, then Monty will come in through Messina
Bennett the Sage : Wait, wait! You can't travel that way, the countries have to be connected!
Linkara Patton : No they don't.
Bennett the Sage : Yes they do! See? See those dotted lines? They connect!
Linkara Patton : They do?
Bennett the Sage : Well, I thought so.
Paw : I thought you needed dice for this.
Linkara Patton : Do you?
JewWario : How *do* you play this game anyway?
Board James : Well guys...
[He picks up box of Risk]
Board James : Glad you asked. You got your deck of 56 risk cards, 3 red dice, 2 white dice, 6 sets of colored armies, and, of course, your game board because every board game has a game BOARD! The first step is to claim all the territories. Each player rolls 1 die. Whoever rolls the highest number gets to place one of their armies on the territory of your choice. After all territories are claimed, game play begins. At the beginning of every turn, count the number of territories you already own, then divide the number by 3. Then add that number of armies. You can also get armies by trading in certain combination of cards. You get the cards from capturing a territory. The attacker rolls the red dice based off the number of armies on the territory which is attacking. The winner is the first greedy bastard to take over the whole world. And that's... all there is to it
Linkara Patton : Hey, that's good to know! Thanks, Board James!
Board James : Well, thank *you* for the, uh... obligatory cameo.
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Linkara : You just killed Santa Christ!
Nostalgia Critic : You all saw it. He came at me with a chainsaw.
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Linkara : Critic, you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOK!
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Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One , Linkara , Angry Joe , Nostalgia Chick , Phelous , MarzGurl , Bennett the Sage , Benzaie , JewWario : I believe in Santa Christ.
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Linkara : This is ridiculous! There is no strategy here! Plus, he's my archnemesis! It's... annoying!
Benzaie : No, they're right. We've got to fight madness with madness. And he's the craziest we got.
[to Insano]
Benzaie : Are you ready?
Dr. Insano : [Evil laugh] I was BORN ready!
[Linkara facepalms]
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Nostalgia Critic : My friends, this is indeed a great day. We have given birth to a new nation!
Everyone : Yay!
Nostalgia Critic : And there will be government. Rules. And a new democracy to live by!
Linkara : Why a democracy?
Nostalgia Critic : Because I say so. And I will be your president!
Everyone : Yay!
Nostalgia Critic : Nostalgia Chick will be vice president!
Everyone : Yay!
Nostalgia Critic : And the rest we'll figure out at another time!
Film Brain : Another time!
Nostalgia Critic : And as my first order as your president. I shall build a table. A round table so that everyone can look at each other in the eye.
Nostalgia Chick : Hmm. That's a good idea. It's like everyone's equal.
Nostalgia Critic : Yes! And I shall be elevated above you in a rocket chair! A magnificent rocket chair so I can look down on all of you and see just how equal we all are!
Everyone : [unenthusiastically] Yay.
Nostalgia Critic : Make yourselves comfortable, everybody, for we have given birth to the greatest nation ever known! We have given birth TO KICKASSIA!
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Nostalgia Critic : People. What may start as just a small acre of land, will blossom into something larger than any of us can possibly imagine!
Linkara : [sarcastically] Yeah, like *two* acres of land!
Nostalgia Critic : You know, there's another group of people that thought like you, Linkara. There were called Nazis! They were close-minded, hate filled people who just wanted everything their way! Are you a Nazi, Linkara?
Linkara : No.
Nostalgia Critic : Are you a Nazi, Linkara?
Linkara : No!
Nostalgia Critic : Cause I don't want any Nazis around here!
Linkara : No! I'm not a Nazi!
[Everyone stares at him accusingly]
Linkara : I'm not! I'm not! I'm not a Nazi!
Nostalgia Critic : Good. Now let me tell you about a group of people that didn't give up. They were called Nazis! They had a crazy plan, too. Everybody thought they were nuts. But you know what? They got pretty far, didn't they? Cause they were dedicated.
Everyone : Yeah!
Nostalgia Critic : And strong!
Everyone : Yeah!
Nostalgia Critic : A lot of people said they were crazy!
Everyone : Ehhhhh.
Nostalgia Critic : Well, everybody says that we're crazy, so that gives us a better advantage, doesn't it?
Everyone : YEAH!
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Linkara Patton : What are we doing playing a game? We're planning a strategy!
JewWario : But this game is so much more fun, though!
Linkara Patton : We're planning a TAKEOVER!
JewWario : Alright, already!
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Linkara : [MarzGurl gets knocked down by an explosion] MarzGurl! Noooooo! MarzGurl! You were so young and blue-haired! Damn you, Molossia! Damn you to Hell!
MarzGurl : [MarzGurl takes off her mask] Uh... I'm fine!
Linkara : [wailing] No, God! MarzGurl! You're dead now! You want me to tell you about Disneyland?
MarzGurl : Uh... No. Seriously, I'm okay.
Linkara : [still wailing] There's cotton candy on the trees! You can just climb up and...
MarzGurl : [sitting up] Look, I don't know who you seem to think you are. I mean, I'm really...
Linkara : [interrupting MarzGurl by cradling her in his arms] Take comfort in my masculine arms!
MarzGurl : You're an idiot!
