- Connor Brody: All right, serious question: Would you rather fuck Samantha Fox in her prime, but she's wearing a Barbara Bush mask, or fuck Barbara Bush circa 1988, but you get to have Samantha just lookin' at you, full eye contact, and she's naked?
- Cara Brody: You think I'm cold?
- Connor Brody: Babe, when you open your legs, I can actually hear the East German national anthem
- [first lines]
- Jack Kelly: [narrating about his kids] This is the best part of my day, every day. I always wanted to be a dad. It just took 46 years to happen.
- Aspen Bell: Fame. It was once only the provenance of the talented. But now, we are living in an era in which everyone believes they deserve to be famous.
- Jack Kelly: [about having kids] They're excited to see you. How many places do you walk in, and people just freak out and start running at you, screaming your name. You come home, you feel like you're famous.
- Connor Brody: Exactly. They don't die after 12 years. Like a dog... Hopefully.
- Jack Kelly: I'm sorry, was that your armadillo?
- Ed Cameron: It is now. The highway provides.
- [carries away the carcass]
- Jack Kelly: Look, I'm not saying I'd bang Caitlyn *Jenner. Tell me that's not a better person to watch a game with. I mean, that's fucking Bruce Jenner!
- Leah Kelly: I'm just gonna talk to her, babe. Like, mom-to-mom. That's what moms do.
- Jack Kelly: Mike, should she say something?
- Mike Richards: Three cardinal rules of friendship. Don't bring up politics, don't bring up religion, and don't try to tell people how to raise their kids.
- Leah Kelly: Oh, I'm sorry Mike, I didn't realize you were doing a daytime talk show.
- Leah Kelly: Maybe if you had occasionally ate some of that pudding, you wouldn't have sweat your tits off.