- Mike: Who are you? I mean really.
- Arthur Newman: I guess I've always been Arthur Newman. Life just forced another individual on me.
- Kevin Avery: Didn't you think he was kind of boring?
- Mina Crawley: Focus on the positive. You're dad was - is...
- Kevin Avery: Come on, Mina.
- Mina Crawley: Okay, he was incredibly boring.
- Kevin Avery: I mean, the lectures. Boring does not...
- Mina Crawley: I love him, though. I love him.
- Kevin Avery: Yeah. It's a lot easier to love a dead man, isn't it?
- Arthur Newman: Where are the real hot dogs?
- Cashier Girl: Uh, we don't have them any more. Just the tofu dogs.
- Arthur Newman: How is that possible? You know, not all of us want the healthy alternative.
- [first lines]
- Unemployment Official: Congratulations, Mr. Avery. Putting you in the system, you're good to go. So by next week.
- Wallace Avery: I, I can't wait 'til next week, I have business prospects elsewhere.
- Unemployment Official: Oh, good for you, sir. Are you going to work at another FedEx?
- Arthur Newman: In case you don't remember, I'm Arthur. Arthur J Newman. I brought you here.
- Mike: Did I have sex with you?