Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Dear Dave (2012)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rimmer : Look, we're not talking near misses here, false panics, we're only dealing with blue-stick bullseyes.

  [talking about possibly getting women pregnant, in a deleted scene from the episode] 

  Lister : Well, you can never truly know, can ya? I mean, if a tree falls in the forest and it doesn't ring and tell ya, how'd you truly know? But I'm guessing, up to this point, round about zero. Yeah, zero - I'm going for zero.

  Rimmer : And correct me if wrong, but as the last remaining male in the universe, the human race is relying on your ability in this particular department, is it not?

  Lister : All right, Rimmer, don't go on about it.

  Rimmer : Preasure like that, thinking about it, the crushing force of expectation, the magnitude of the responsibility, the weight of the whole survival of the whole species on your two little nuts would make most guys impotent just like that.

  [snaps a finger] 

  Lister : Well, I'm not impotent.

  Rimmer : What? Since I did that? Have you checked? I don't think you have.

  [snapping his fingers again] 

  Lister : Where are you going with this, Rimmer?

  Rimmer : I'm saying: you had no success in this department when your sperm were young and goofy, when they were out every night frolicing and free. You've got old sperm now, Listy. They're not so spritly. They swim into a womb and can't remember why they came in. They don't know what they're doing, who they are, where they're going; they have to stop every five minutes and ask directions. They don't want to break into any eggs and fertilize them, they want to watch "Countdown" and do crosswords.

• Kryten : A change of scenery, that's what you need sir. Why don't you get up and stretch your legs?

  Lister : The human race had legs. I just can't get away from them - everywhere I look it reminds me of them. Nothing compares to them.

  [singing while trudging out of the room] 

  Lister : Nothing compares... nothing compares to them!

  Kryten : I knew they'd break his heart. Human race - here one minute, gone the next.. fly-by-night FLIBBERTIGIBBETS!

• Rimmer : Still moping around, in your mopey clothes, listening to your mopey music, being all... mopey? If you want my opinion...

  Lister : Which I don't.

  Rimmer : It's time you manned up. Listen to some brass band music and go for a bracing hike in the diesel decks!

  Lister : Given the options, I'll continue being suicidal if it's all the same to you!

• Cat : Buds - best you sit down, I got some bad news.

  Lister : What? What is it, what's happened?

  Rimmer : Is this about me? It's about me isn't it?

  Kryten : I'm being replaced again aren't I, sir!

• [Cat makes them guess some news in a game of charades] 

  Rimmer : The mail pod's arrived.

  [Cat gives thumbs up] 

  Lister : Brilliant, the mail pod's arrived!

  [Cat continues gesturing] 

  Rimmer : Something's happened to it...

  Lister : It's crashed, the mail pod's crashed, it's exploded...

  Rimmer : It's turned into a giant death worm...

  Lister : It's turned into a jacket!

  Rimmer : A giant death worm's come out of it.

  Lister : It's nothing to do with a giant death worm, where are you getting the giant death worm from!

• Cat : So who is this Roy dude?

  Lister : He used to work with her in the bank. He was always using the finger-wetting machine to count the money... a real creep.

• Lister : I used to go out with Hayley Summers. It's when I was trying to be a rock god. What I lacked technically, I made up for in loudness. I mean - when I played, people had ringing in their ears.

  Rimmer : How long for?

  Lister : It didn't go away - once they had it they had it for good. That's how loud I was.