- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock knock.
- Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you again!
- [laughs]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You're such an idiot! You keep answering the door! Where I am from, the game we teach our children is when someone says "Knock knock", you shut the fuck up and hide.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: Look, you know how Batman had a sidekick, Robin, and one of their weapons was a Batarang?
- Jeff Dunham: Yes, of course.
- Peanut: [looking at Jeff] Oh, dude.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: You just showed your geek. And it smells like loser.
- [shakes head]
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: You are not a loser, señor.
- Jeff Dunham: Thank you, José.
- Peanut: Suck-up.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Muppet reject.
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist, are you Muslim?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No! Scientologist.
- Jeff Dunham: But you used to be Muslim.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, look at me! I'm too extreme! I was Catholic.
- Jeff Dunham: Really?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Methodist.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Buddhist.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Baptist.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A Capricorn.
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute! What are you doing?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible.
- [laughs evilly]
- Peanut: So, how are you, Little Ugly Assjeff?
- Little Jeff: I'm sad, handsome Peanut.
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. Handsome Peanut?
- Little Jeff: Yes, Peanut is very handsome, unlike you, ugly-ass Jeff.
- Jeff Dunham: He is me!
- Peanut: Good point.
- Little Jeff: I hate my ugly-ass self.
- Jeff Dunham: Walter, have you ever thought about being happy?
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: What happened?
- Walter: Pissed me off.
- Jeff Dunham: What would happen if you were happy?
- Walter: Your show would suck.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My father was a suicide bomber.
- Jeff Dunham: So you guys were a lot alike?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I have his eyes. In a box! And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping. That way, when Walter wakes up, it scares the crap out of him.
- Walter: [from inside the box] You son of a bitch, I'll kick your ass right now! I'll show you!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Is that case locked from the outside?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah, why?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: 'Cause he still scares the crap out of me!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE!
- [audience applauds; impressed]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Wait for it...
- [long pause]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I KILL YOU!
- [last lines]
- Jeff Dunham: [Peanut, José and Little Jeff are all making fun of Jeff] You guys really think this is funny?
- Peanut: Oh yeah.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] Si.
- Peanut: Definitely.
- Little Jeff: The truth hurts.
- Jeff Dunham: Okay. I tell you what, Peanut, you think that's funny?
- [reaches into box]
- Jeff Dunham: I have something here that you're gonna like.
- Peanut: What?
- Jeff Dunham: Just trust me. You're gonna love this.
- [pulls out a small hand puppet version of Peanut; the real Peanut looks shocked]
- Little Jeff: What the fuck is that?
- [audience laughs]
- Little Peanut: Hi, look at me! I'm a little idiot!
- [cackles]
- Peanut: That is not funny!
- Little Peanut: Yes, it is!
- Peanut: No, it's not!
- Jeff Dunham: I think it is.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Me, too.
- Little Jeff: L-O-L.
- Peanut: [to Little Jeff] Shut up!
- Jeff Dunham: [to audience] You guys have been awesome. Thank you! Good night!
- Peanut: [showing off his skills as a ventriloquist by working a dummy version of Jeff Dunham himself] How are you, Little Ugly Jeff?
- Little Jeff: Not good.
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. You're gonna call him "Ugly Jeff"?
- Peanut: Oh, no, no, no. *Little* Ugly Jeff.
- Little Jeff: Is there any other name?
- Peanut: Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?
- Little Jeff: I like that.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] Me, too, señor.
- Little Jeff: Thank you.
- Peanut: You're welcome.
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. I would prefer if you didn't use the word "ass".
- Peanut: Oh, I didn't really. It's all one word. Little Ugly Assjeff.
- Little Jeff: Assjeff, Assjeff, I am Assjeff.
- Peanut: See? It's good.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Bravo!
- Peanut: Gracias.
- Little Jeff: De nada.
- Jeff Dunham: This is ridiculous!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed, about to bring out his son] What I want you to do is to just...
- [points to his right]
- Jeff Dunham: ... look over there while I'm getting him out so you won't peek.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay.
- Jeff Dunham: Just look over there.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Hey, wait a minute. When I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's actually a good way of doing it, you know. Kind of old school, but effective.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [making the P sound in "posse" repeatedly] How am I doing that with no lips?
- [the audience laughs and applauds]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what she said.
- [cackles]
- Jeff Dunham: I can't believe you did that.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what SHE said!
- Jeff Dunham: Will you stop this?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [higher pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
- Jeff Dunham: I don't like this.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [VERY high pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
- Jeff Dunham: How long is this?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [screeching] THATSWHATSHESAID!
- [the audience applauds again; long pause as Jeff and Achmed stare at each other]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Think about it...
- Jeff Dunham: So, you were talking to Walter earlier.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [suddenly angry] Damn it!
- [Peanut is reading the Asian man's irate email in an Asian-sounding voice, much to Jeff's annoyance]
- Jeff Dunham: I'm trying to do the right thing here.
- Peanut: I'm not!
- Jeff Dunham: You know, we have folks of Asian descent here this evening.
- Peanut: [Asian voice] Oh, so sorry.
- Jeff Dunham: WILL YOU STOP IT!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] There were never any girls at your school?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, but for some reason, we had a girls' restroom.
- Jeff Dunham: I see.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore.
- Jeff Dunham: The girls' restroom?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Uh-huh.
- Jeff Dunham: And what did you find?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A couple of strange and wonderful things.
- Jeff Dunham: Like what?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, we found a machine. And if you put two shekels in it, a small missile would come out!
- Jeff Dunham: A missile?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I think it was. It had a little white fuse. And it must've been a very special missile, because it was lightly scented. And then you could put two shekels in the other machine and get the bonus accuracy package.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It had WINGS!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to Achmed Jr] Listen, you!
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, you're getting hostile!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Of course I'm getting hostile! I'm a terrorist, you idiot! You piss me off, I kill you!
- Achmed Jr.: Would that really solve anything?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.
- Jeff Dunham: [about Achmed's dog with no legs] What did you call him?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [stares at Jeff] Seriously?
- [pause]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Seriously?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I had a dog with no legs.
- Jeff Dunham: What did you call him?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Seriously? Okay, you're a comedian, right?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [slowly] I had a dog... with no legs.
- [threateningly]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ask me again...
- [Jeff stares at Achmed; they both raise their eyebrows at each other, open their mouths briefly without speaking and move their eyes back and forth between them and the audience]
- Jeff Dunham: What did you call him?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I didn't call him anything because he could never come.
- [the audience laughs]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It's not funny!
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, that's, like, the oldest joke ever.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes, but in my case, it was true.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about Achmed Jr] You have no idea why he's here?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: To start his training as a terrorist.
- Achmed Jr.: No, father, that's just it. I don't want to be a terrorist.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: But I want you to be just like me.
- Achmed Jr.: Well, I'm not, and I won't be.
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, can you accept that?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I guess I can try.
- Jeff Dunham: And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?
- Achmed Jr.: I kill you.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's my boy!
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute. You communicate with Osama?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Of course.
- Jeff Dunham: How?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: On Face-shot-off-Book.
- Jeff Dunham: I think a lot of us might like to know how you feel about the death of Osama.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [gasp] I didn't do it!
- [Achmed is pantomiming getting shot with a bow and arrow]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, I'm done. I can sit up now.
- Jeff Dunham: [laughing] Actually, you can't.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
- Jeff Dunham: [still laughing] Your ribs are caught on your spine.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife. Your wife's quite beautiful.
- Walter: You saw an old photo.
- [Walter glares at Jeff; audience laughs]
- Walter: Yeah, I'm kidding. I know, I married a petite, young, beautiful thing. Yeah, she was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.
- [mimicking Fat Albert]
- Walter: Hey, hey, hey!
- Jeff Dunham: You're just flat-out saying your wife's overweight.
- Walter: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's undertall.
- [Jeff had trouble saying "How are you" to José and Peanut had him say it with him one word at a time]
- Jeff Dunham: How are you, José?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: I don't know. It took too long. Actually, I'm excited, señor.
- Jeff Dunham: Why are you excited, José?
- Peanut: Probably because you're holding his stick.
- [nods and sways his head]
- Jeff Dunham: Do you have to do jokes like that?
- Peanut: It's just weird to me that, in front of everyone, you're holding José's stick!
- Jeff Dunham: Any suggestions?
- Peanut: You should at least take him out to dinner first.
- [nods]
- Jeff Dunham: So, Achmed, are you enjoying Richmond?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, I love the nightlife here.
- Jeff Dunham: What part of the nightlife?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: They have live sex shows.
- Jeff Dunham: Really? Where?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: In the hotel room right next to mine.
- [the audience laughs; Jeff and Achmed look perplexedly out at the audience and then at each other]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
- Jeff Dunham: That's my room.
- [the audience laughs and cheers]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Next time, you should get a partner.
- [Referring to the death of Bin Laden]
- Jeff Dunham: Well, what did you think about them burying him at sea?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I think it's cool that he could end up anywhere!
- Jeff Dunham: What do you mean?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That is one episode of "Spongebob" I gotta see!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to Achmed Jr] Hey, what happened to your face?
- [pause]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, yeah. My bad.
- Jeff Dunham: [Jeff learns that José was evicted] Why didn't you come to my house?
- [Peanut snickers]
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Ask Peanut.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] Why didn't he come to my house?
- Peanut: [amused] We told him you loved eating Mexican food!
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: I was afraid for my life.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] So where'd you take him?
- Peanut: Taco Bell!
- Peanut: [about Little Jeff] He said he was sad.
- Jeff Dunham: I heard him.
- Peanut: Why are you sad, Assjeff?
- Little Jeff: Because I'm a loser.
- Peanut: Yeah, that is sad.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: [from inside the box] And he's ugly.
- Little Jeff: And I'm ugly.
- Peanut: [to José] Thank you.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: It's okay.
- Jeff Dunham: Will you stop this?
- Jeff Dunham: You know, Vegas has become a great vacation spot for families.
- Walter: Oh yeah, sure. Yeah. That makes sense, take the family to Vegas.
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Walter: 'Cause kids love whores.
- [mimicking a child]
- Walter: "Look, mommy! There's a place with poles, like where you used to work."
- Walter: [trying to cheer up Jeff after learning he is divorced] Come on, what's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life? To not think, "Uh-oh, here she comes!"
- [makes retching sound]
- Walter: You can leave your toilet seat up ALL THE TIME! I'd hot-glue mine open, for God's sakes! And then shit in the back yard! Just because I could!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about his son, Achmed Jr] How do you not know who his mother is?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [scoffs] I had 46 wives, you idiot. They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.
- Jeff Dunham: How did you tell them apart?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: The numbers on their backs.
- Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I know. Mother's Day is a bitch! And so are most of the mothers!
- Achmed Jr.: That's not funny at all.
- [sounds like "ataal"]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ataal? Who is Ataal? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you!
- Jeff Dunham: Bulgy-eyed?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, look at him!
- Achmed Jr.: Well, you're not exactly squinting!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: At least my face is balanced! You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time!
- Jeff Dunham: So Achmed, do you have any good memories of your father?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Uh, for my eighth birthday, he got me a puppy.
- Jeff Dunham: That's good.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, it turned into a disaster.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Because sometimes my father was a very confused man, and that day, my mother told him to go outside and blow up some party balloons.
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And that's how I got a dog with no legs.
- Jeff Dunham: So Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I... Wait a minute. This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? That bitch!... Whichever one she was.
- Jeff Dunham: No, that's not it.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: This is bad, because I've seen the crap that you're going through, and I don't know how you can even afford a t-shirt.
- Jeff Dunham: Thank you.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [softly] Did I say that just how you wrote it?
- Jeff Dunham: Yes, thank you.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay. Good luck with the judge. I hope he's fair.
- Jeff Dunham: Actually, the judge is a woman.
- Achmed Jr.: You're fucked.
- Jeff Dunham: Good evening, José.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Hola, Señor Jeff.
- [pronounces it "Heff"]
- Jeff Dunham: How are...
- [stammers]
- Jeff Dunham: Whoops.
- Peanut: What the hell was that? Were you trying to say, "How are you?" and it came out "Huh-huh-huh-huh"? Why is that we speak perfectly and you fuck up?
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed about the death of Bin Laden] Did you have something to do with it?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yes... No! Yes, no, no, no, no! No, that NAVY Seal training was just for laughs.
- [laughs nervously]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [his leg gets caught on his stand] Marnell! Come fix my leg!
- [a stage hand comes out and fixes Achemd's leg]
- Achmed Jr.: He's kind of cute.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [stunned, sharing a look with Jeff] Okay, moving on!
- Jeff Dunham: Achmed, he's your son.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawn mower.
- Achmed Jr.: You caused the accident.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.
- Achmed Jr.: You didn't mean for it to happen.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I did, too!
- Achmed Jr.: You did not.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Lis...
- [his leg gets caught again]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, shit. MARNELL! Son of a bitch!
- Achmed Jr.: Are you talking to me now?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [Marnell fixes his leg again and leaves] Fix it right, or I kick your ass! Marnell! Come back! My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!
- [Marnell fixes everything and leaves again]
- Achmed Jr.: He can fix my pelvis anytime.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Shut up!
- Jeff Dunham: So, the explosion you were talking about, how did it happen?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Very precise and careful planning.
- Achmed Jr.: Not exactly.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I said shut up!
- Jeff Dunham: What happened?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Nothing!
- Achmed Jr.: He was putting gasoline in his scooter.
- Jeff Dunham: So why was there an explosion?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [awkward pause] Shit happens.
- Achmed Jr.: I'm here for a reason.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What, a skin graft? Sorry, I'm all out.
- [his leg gets caught a third time]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Fuck! MARNELL! COME FIX MY FUCKING LEG! Get duct tape, you asshole!
- Jeff Dunham: [Marnell comes out with a roll of duct tape] He actually brought duct tape.
- Achmed Jr.: [Marnell fixes and tapes down Achmed's legs] He's kinky, too.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SHUT UP!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Like Santa Claus, I have been making a list of people to kill twice.
- Jeff Dunham: Santa doesn't kill people.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He does if he's Terror Claus!
- Jeff Dunham: Terror Claus? I never heard of him.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Ohhhh...
- [singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He kills when you're sleeping./He chokes you when you wake./He knows if you are Catholic or Jewish,/So renounce your infidel faith!
- Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: But catchy!
- Jeff Dunham: [commenting on a childhood photo of his, in which he wears a striped shirt and plaid pants] How did my mother even let me out of the house? And this wasn't some accident on a Saturday morning when I accidentally threw on the wrong clothes. This is an outfit I wore to school regularly. I don't know why I didn't get beat up on a regular basis. I must've gone to the store and said, "Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?"
- Peanut: Dude...
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: Where's your other hand?
- [laughter; Peanut looks around, then between his legs, then back at the audience with a look of shock]
- Peanut: I hope you're wearing a glove. Do you do this to the other guys?
- Jeff Dunham: Everybody except Jose.
- Peanut: Yeah, you shoved a stick up his ass! I think I'd rather have that!
- Jeff Dunham: [talking about Walter's wife] She loves going on these trips. She loves window shopping.
- Walter: Not in Amsterdam, she didn't.
- [laughs]
- Walter: Because in Amsterdam, there's hookers in the windows!
- [laughs again]
- Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] Do you like it here?
- Peanut: I love it here! It's beautiful, it's sold out, the place is paid for; we must be on an Indian reservation! And these are all Indians!
- Jeff Dunham: Look, Peanut, first of all, the politically-correct term these days is "Native American".
- Peanut: [whispering] Oh, yeah, good!
- [normal voice]
- Peanut: Well, I certainly wouldn't want to piss them off. They could try and scalp me, but all they'd get is a fishing lure!
- [nods]
- Walter: Did you know that in Amsterdam, you can legally purchase marijuana?
- Jeff Dunham: [nods] I, uh, yeah. I did know that.
- Walter: You know where?
- Jeff Dunham: Coffee houses.
- Walter: Coffee houses! It's my favorite coffee place ever! "I'd like a latte and a doobie! And... nineteen dozen donuts. Thank you."
- Walter: [talking about Jeff doing his show in South Africa] Everybody in the audience in South Africa, they're all, you know, white.
- [looks at Jeff]
- Jeff Dunham: [perplexed] So?
- Walter: What do you mean, so? We were in Africa, you moron! Have you ever looked at National Geographic?
- [Jeff rolls his eyes]
- Walter: I thought everybody there was... uh, you know, the opposite. And then I look out in the crowd and I think, "Well, where the hell are all the flies?"
- [the audience laughs]
- Walter: Oh, like you haven't seen the same commercials I have! Everybody looked healthy! I'm sitting there thinking, well, their "we're the world" thing really worked out! You're welcome! Hell, the way our economy is here now, they should be sending us back some of that money!
- Walter: [Jeff mentioned that the housing in Africa is bad] Can we talk about the housing?
- Jeff Dunham: No.
- Walter: [to audience] Okay, listen up.
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute...
- Walter: In the poorest areas...
- Jeff Dunham: We went there...
- Walter: Yeah, we visited them. I'm not making any jokes, I'm just passing on information. In the poorest areas, their houses, I'm not kidding, were all built out of poo.
- Jeff Dunham: Cow dung.
- Walter: Shit.
- [Jeff stares at Walter]
- Walter: Aw, come on! Their houses are built out of shit! Who the hell made that decision? Couple of guys sitting around one day, Matumba and Chuck.
- [Jeff smiles; Walter stares]
- Jeff Dunham: Chuck?
- Walter: I don't know any African names, do you?