- Lisa Simpson: Dad, you were supposed to read me a bedtime story.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, sorry sweetie. Bart can read it to you.
- Bart Simpson: Read to Lisa? Why don't you just ask me to kiss her?
- Marge Simpson: If you kissed her, that would be lovely.
- Bart Simpson: I'll read! I'll read!
- Homer Simpson: And kiss!
- Lisa Simpson: Does anyone want my opinion?
- Homer Simpson: Please, Lisa, I had eighteen martinis today.
- Robert Marlowe: There isn't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big fella.
- Homer Simpson: The Governor wrote me a letter to that effect.
- Marge Simpson: Proceed to the page with the butterfly bookmark as I cuddle up with Madam Bunny.
- Bart Simpson: [reading] If jen-ee-yoos...
- Marge Simpson: Genius.
- Bart Simpson: ...is eternal pattee... patta... patti...
- Marge Simpson: Patience. Patience! Get on with it!
- Marge Simpson: Don't you want to be able to read the things people carve into your chest in prison?
- Bart Simpson: I guess.
- Robert Marlowe: Before you say yes, I feel it is my duty to inform you that accounts men lose their souls.
- Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! No more church!
- Homer Simpson: I can't believe I'm having lunch with the Mayor. Next time I vote for you, It'll be on purpose.
- Businessman: I want you to make me a Long Island iced tea, America's most complicated cocktail drink.
- Smithers: [about Homer] Well, as safety inspector he hasn't exactly set the world on fire, although he's come close several times.
- [Homer is trying to decide which raft to save from going over the falls]
- Homer Simpson: My coworkers are like family, but in many ways my family is like family.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, I gave you three kids.
- Homer Simpson: Whose side are you on?
- Marge Simpson: Your side! I've always been on your side!
- Robert Marlowe: These cocktail tools have been handed down from accounts man to accounts man since the beginning of time, 1956.
- Homer Simpson: Why can't you be my father instead of my real father?
- Robert Marlowe: If your mom was a secretary, there's a good chance I am.
- Krusty the Clown: I need a drink.
- [Mr Teeny brings him a bottle of Krusty Vodka]
- Krusty the Clown: Not that! Never that!
- Dolph: [Presents fists] Or maybe you want to read it to my sisters.
- Jimbo Jones: You call your fists sisters?
- Dolph: Yeah. Punchahontas and Sockajewea.
- Bart Simpson: Nice names.