- Harry Vanderspeigle: It it exciting to find new places to have sex. You should lock your car door, by the way.
- General Eleanor Wright: Is this all just a joke to you?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: No. Just the joke parts.
- Heather: I have to go to the bathroom.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I will chaperone you like a human male in a false show of protection.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: But whatever it is...
- Deputy Liv Baker: It's important enough to kill over.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Damn, Deputy, I was gonna say that. I done waited my whole career to be able to say that something was important enough to kIll over, and I set myself up, and you just jump in.
- Deputy Liv Baker: I'm sorry. I didn't know. You could say something else like, "Whatever it is, it's a recipe for death."
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: See? That's even better. And I can't say that now because you just said that too. This is a nightmare.
- Kate Hawthorne: [talking about her son] They'd think he was cool for not caring about science class. I mean, unless they're nerds, but who cares what they think. They're dorks.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You ever consider taking a sabbatical from teaching?
- Kate Hawthorne: Every day.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: That will be Asta coming to apologize, probably with a pie. I will get rid of her, but I will keep the pie.
- Asta Twelvetrees: I would never cross that line without talking to you after that first time I crossed the line without talking to you.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Asta, I am in love, and it makes me want to dance.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Oh, my God, but it didn't teach you how.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: That is why you will never know true love and why you will end up lonely spinners.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Well, it's spinsters.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Why would you correct him?
- D'Arcy Bloom: No idea.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Dr. Vanderspeigle wasn't lying about this chocolate sauce. Makes it fun when you're not sure the ice cream's under there.
- Deputy Liv Baker: Well, you bought it at the ice cream shop, so I think you are sure.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, now I am.
- D'Arcy Bloom: I could come over and babysit.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Well, the last time you babysat, I found an empty wine bottle in the bathtub.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Where is this van? And is it locked?
- Asta Twelvetrees: You're not having sex in the van.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Not if I don't know where it is.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [to Asta] You never help anyone for them. You do it for you. Because you think helping is the only reason anyone will love you. So you go around, looking for broken and needy people to help, which is perfect that this stray cat
- [indicating D'Arcy]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: showed up at your door, except she cannot give love back. She can only take more and more because she is a pit of need with no bottom, a sun at the center of her own universe, incapable of caring about anyone but herself.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Okay, that's ...
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Accurate? Yes.
- Judge: So Max, what IS a caldera?
- Max Hawthorne: That's right.
- Judge: I'm sorry?
- Max Hawthorne: That's the project. People love to guess. What is a caldera? Do you know?
- Judge: Of course I know. I'm a science teacher.
- Max Hawthorne: Great. tell me.
- Judge: No. YOU tell me.
- Max Hawthorne: I'm sorry. That's not a good enough answer.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I got the final ingredient for my formula. You'll be happy to know I got the matter.
- General Eleanor Wright: Good.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You're supposed to say 'What is the matter?' And then I say 'I don't know. Whassa matter with you?'
- [laughs]
- General Eleanor Wright: Is this all just a joke to you?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: No. Just the joke parts. Do not worry. I will get to work and find out what the Greys are doing here. As soon as I get the henway.
- General Eleanor Wright: What's a henway?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, about six pounds.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Would you like something to drink, my love bird?
- Heather: Nectar.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Nectar? I barely knew her.