- Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon discovers he's received the wrong cardboard cut-out Spock] Oh no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto!
- Sheldon Cooper: Now, back to our game.
- Raj Koothrappali: You were in the middle of an erection.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course! It's right here in my hand.
- Sheldon Cooper: I want to build a road, but I need wood. Either of you fellows have wood?
- [Raj and Howard snicker]
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand the laughter. The object of "Settlers of Catan" is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?
- Sheldon Cooper: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood?
- [Raj and Howard laugh]
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, come on! I just want wood! Why are you making it so hard?
- [Raj and Howard laugh harder]
- Sheldon Cooper: And now that I have some wood, I'm going to begin the erection of my settlements.
- Raj Koothrappali: [sotto, to Wolowitz] He's got to be doing this on purpose.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
- Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about 'awkward'?
- Leonard Hofstadter: That sounds right. Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
- Penny: Okay.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
- Penny: It's Penny.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
- Penny: Okay, uh, let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to L.A. and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, let's see. I am an experimental physicist at Caltech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
- Penny: Wow! Can they?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, God no! The money's pretty good. And I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
- Penny: Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Not "some *kind* of nerd". I am the king of nerds!
- Penny: What does that mean?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it means if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.
- Sheldon Cooper: O-o-oh, my life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn't care for an outburst of human emotion, but oh goody, oh goody, oh goody!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Boy, I don't know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up.
- Howard Wolowitz: Why not.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm a very vengeful person.
- Howard Wolowitz: Really?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: With access to weaponized smallpox.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, do you have plans for dinner tonight?
- Penny: Why? Are you guys going somewhere?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, I mean, just you and me.
- Penny: You mean like a date?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Not "like a date", a date!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Woooooooooo!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Woooooooooo!
- Sheldon Cooper: The reason you're fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she's the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment - your brilliant yet intimidating mother.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Where on earth did you get that from?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's in her book, "Needy Baby, Greedy Baby".
- Leonard Hofstadter: That doesn't make it true.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know how you have a relationship without talking.
- Penny: I went out with this one guy, T.J., for eight months, we never talked. To this day, I don't even know what T.J. stands for.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wait, if you guys didn't talk, then... Never mind, stupid question.
- Penny: [enters from closet wearing a low-cut green dress] Too much?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [Simultaneously with Bernadette] No.
- Penny: Okay, just hang on.
- [Goes back into closet]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Bernadette] You just can't handle her raw sexuality, can you?
- Penny: [after Leonard asks her out for real] Have you thought this through?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again-off-again relationship with her, because I'm very, very hungry.
- Howard Wolowitz: Ooh, 8:30. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're 30 years old and you live with your mother!
- Raj Koothrappali: I guess it didn't go well.
- Sheldon Cooper: Now, we don't know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.
- [Leonard groans loudly from his room]
- Howard Wolowitz: How about now?
- Sheldon Cooper: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he's being murdered.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't *defile* your sister. We had a relationship.
- Raj Koothrappali: I heard you call her "Brown Sugar". In my book, that's defilement.
- [first lines]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe indian? Tex-Mex?
- Sheldon Cooper: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of amammals?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, let's talk about that.
- Sheldon Cooper: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature, but they do move more sluggishly when it's cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, "Bring a sweater. It's slow outside". I love my mind.
- Leonard Hofstadter: We all do. Now, how about dinner?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I would assume we'd enjoy insects, or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other's tails off and grill them; they'll just grow back.
- Sheldon Cooper: You want to know my opinion?
- Leonard Hofstadter: [Sarcastic] Oh boy, do I!
- Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] Sarcasm?
- Howard Wolowitz: [Spiteful] No.
- Raj Koothrappali: If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard's mother? Sandra Bullock.
- Howard Wolowitz: Why?
- Raj Koothrappali: Because she's great in everything.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sometimes Howard and I pretend that his arrhythmia is acting up, and I'm his sexy cardiologist. And the naughty part is I'm not in his HMO network.
- [last lines]
- Reverend White: [Penny imagines her wedding to Leonard] Do you, Penny, take Leonard to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- [Penny turns around, revealing she's pregnant]
- Penny: Well, it's a little late for me to start saying no, isn't it.
- [Back to reality]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Penny.
- Penny: Sorry. Just remembered, I have *got* to stop by the drug store.
- Sheldon Cooper: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?
- Leonard Hofstadter: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's customary when using the restroom at a retail establishment to make a small purchase. Did you?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: [snorts] Here's two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want beef jerky.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's not about *you*. It's about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.