- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh, yes, see, there it is. There's nothing I love more than a perfectly timed "unless". It's like, like, a spoon being dipped in some soup. Go ahead, bring that soup to my lips, deputy.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Because we don't live in a police state.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Not yet.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Never.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Someday soon.
- Max Hawthorne: I can save the world with my butt?
- Sahar: You have to. It's your destiny.
- Max Hawthorne: Okay. Me and my butt will do it.
- Deputy Liv Baker: We should probably put this crime tape around the sheriff because he should be arrested for being too handsome, right?
- Detective Lena Torres: Well, I mean, he wouldn't serve much time. It's involuntary handsomeness.
- Asta Twelvetrees: I do not want to be squashed by a big bug person!
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The internet is wrong.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Oh, okay. Good.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: No, the insectoids, they do not squash. They like to eat other beings while they are still alive and struggling.
- Kate Hawthorne: Who are you dressed up as?
- Nurse Ellen Cho: [Imitating Mayor Hawthorne] I love Patience. Patience is the best town ever.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: That's pretty good.
- Nurse Ellen Cho: And I somehow snagged a hot wife.
- Kate Hawthorne: Oh!
- Nurse Ellen Cho: even though I'm a horrible mayor and a total dork.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Oh.
- Nurse Ellen Cho, Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Well, that's not true. I happen to be a pretty good mayor.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: We did all the hard work. Now the FBI's going to come in and just reach into our pants and rip off our bean bags.
- Deputy Liv Baker: Oh, not me. Not me. I don't... have a bean bag.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, not on the outside.
- Deputy Liv Baker: I don't really know what that means.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Hell, DC's got murders as far as the eye can see. It's like a - like a - like a... a whole forest of them in constant bloom. It's beautiful! It is!
- Sahar: Maybe she put a tracking device in your food. You need to poop it out.
- Max Hawthorne: I can't. I only poop after breakfast or when my mom takes me to the bookstore.
- [to D'Arcy Bloom]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Also, you are very old, and your body is falling apart as it prepares for your death.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Hmm, if they do make a movie, I want to play myself, a handsome, rugged sheriff keeping the streets safe in a quaint, Colorado town. Until Bigfoot shows up to kill everybody. But I recognize his beautiful soul, and I teach him to speak English; he teaches me how to play guitar. *That's* a movie.
- Deputy Liv Baker: That sounds like a move that's about just you, and it has nothing to do with environmental justice.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: It's got to do with America wanting to see me sing a duet with Bigfoot!