Mike Jeavons: Mike J., British Bastard

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Mike J. : So... another one. Yay for Judge Reinhold and more sloppy family values and...

  [a clip of Beethoven fighting ghosts is shown] 

  Mike J. : Ghosts. There's only one word I can think of to sum up the person who thought of putting ghosts in a Beethoven movie.

  British Bastard : Prick.

  Mike J. : Exactly. OK, so I get that the third film was kind of linked to the first two, and I can sort of look past that the fact the "Prince and the Pauper" storyline from the fourth wasn't too disjointed by linking it to the Beethoven series, but can I look past... ghosts? So let's dive right in and take a look at Beethoven's 5th.

  British Bastard : Do we have to?

  Mike J. : Yes, British Bastard. Yes.

• [last lines] 

  Mike J. : Beethoven's 5th, what a pointless film. A sequel should only happen if it furthers the story of its predecessor, and that is exactly what this doesn't do. It just reeks of a movie which was written without any intention of ever being a Beethoven film. Why are there fantasy elements in a Beethoven movie? Where are the family values? I never thought I'd say this, but... good god, I miss Judge Reinhold! I can't believe I just said that.

  [throws up in his mouth] 

  Mike J. : Oh, I just threw up in my mouth. Ugh. I need something to take the taste away. Come on, British Bastard, let's go to the pub.

  British Bastard : [leaving the apartment with Mike]  I thought you'd never fucking ask. Let's go! Fuck yeah.

• Mike J. : I'm willing to bet that this movie was originally written as an independent standalone family film and wasn't tied into the Beethoven franchise at all. And then, when movie execs decided they did want another Beethoven film, they just waded through all their scripts which had a dog in it, and then rewrote it slightly to make it fit. I'd have preferred it if they'd just remade Old Yeller using Beethoven. At least then, we know we're guaranteed a happy ending.